“Having no family, no money and no home after believing your life was completely normal and well adjusted for 23 years can warp your entire view of life. I spent a large amount of time after the incident questioning what was reality.”
‘We didn’t talk enough, did we?’ My Dad would never walk me down the aisle or meet my children. That’s a very odd thing to discuss with your father when you’re only 23.’
‘Chemo would make my breast milk toxic to my son. Cancer had already robbed me of the pure joy of a new baby. I was not about to sit back and let it take away breastfeeding my son.’
“Here we were newlyweds of just 4 months, with 4 children together, one of whom was just a week old. The only option I had was to find a family member or friend who would be willing to latch Malcolm to their breast once a week so he would remember how to do it if and when the time came for me to try.”
‘Hours began to pass, and still no Andy. I decided to call him. No answer. The calls started going directly to voicemail. Anxiety started to go in overdrive. Then, I saw it.’
“I was pregnant with our third child, and my hormones had gotten the best of me. I grabbed my phone and called 9-1-1. I started screaming his name, ‘ANDY, ANDY, ANDY,’ as I frantically looked on the shore line that was covered in trees. I hear the sirens roaring, coming in my direction.”
‘I love you, Cindy, I’ll always love you. Please forgive me.’ I was no longer going to be her Momma and watch her grow up. ‘DO IT NOW,’ the Voice says.’
“This time it will work. I even have two bottles of sleeping pills for safety’s sake. Time to die. I unscrew both lids and turn the tap on. I’ve locked the door behind me, just in case, but I’m not expecting anyone else … not in this lifetime.”
‘The doctor told us how rare the condition is, but he was even rarer. I gently held his tiny fingers and spoke softly to him, reassuring him he was alright and we were there with him.’
“He was seated behind his desk and immediately I noticed his uncomfortable body language. Nothing can prepare a mother for that. I understood the seriousness of everything, yet I was so excited and eager to meet my baby.”
‘I didn’t realize how much I would miss my dad’s handwriting. I didn’t know handwriting could be part of the grieving process. Mourning handwriting? But I did. I still do.’
“I watched him sketch out that second attempt and smile at it. He looked up and said, ‘How’s this one? I think this one is better, don’t you think?’ Maybe he was imagining it actually being tattooed on me and how that would feel, after he was gone.”
‘Some children are just born feral. If a know-it-all wants to tell you otherwise, go find them a drunk and hungry hyena. Shove it into some Doc McStuffins pull-ups and drop it off at their house.’
“Tell them it likes to eat broccoli and really needs a bath. Then go back in 24 hours and see how confident Mr. Know It All still feels about parenting your feral born child.”
‘Two women wanted to help us create the family we had always wanted. The funny thing is – we never asked them. They asked US.’
“My first comment was, ‘We need to hire some staff!!!’ I actually almost fainted. The nurse had to bring me a glass of water before we could even attend to Danielle, who now realized she was carrying twins!”
‘I know how you’re doing it,’ she whispered, then laughed and walked away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had been caught.’
“I locked myself in the bathroom while my husband pounded on the door, begging me to let him in. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I was staring at. My heart pounded, and my mind raced. Was this real? Was it a faulty test? My baby was so tiny, but he or she was there, in my belly.”
‘I’m so happy, but honestly a little confused. I really thought we were going to have twins… Exactly one month later, we were contacted by our second attorney. I just knew someone was missing.’
“I knew I couldn’t sit around and wait any longer. The feeling was urgent. Our baby needed us now and no one was going to fight harder for that baby to join our family than me.”
