Our Plan Was Always Two Kids, But Now I’m Not Sure I’m Ready To Be Done

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“Our plan was always to try and have two kids. My husband and I had easily agreed two would be the perfect number, and we were blessed with our plans becoming a reality. We now have a three-year-old and an eleven-month-old. What I didn’t expect was the desire to have a third kid.

During my entire second pregnancy, I tried to really soak up the experience and memorize how it felt to carry my baby for nine months, knowing this was the last time. I felt ready to be done. When our second baby was three months old, I started to box up her newborn clothes she had outgrown to give away. As I sat on her floor surrounded by tiny onesies, I started to feel uneasy. I realized I didn’t want to give the clothes away. I wasn’t sure I was finished having kids.

This shocked me. Up until that point, I had been at peace with stopping at two kids. Plus, I am a planner and two was the plan. I don’t often deviate from my plans, especially concerning major life decisions.

I jokingly mentioned to my husband that maybe we should store the baby clothes for a while, just in case. I was shocked he didn’t immediately freak out or shut down the prospect of another kid. He was actually open to it. And so, the debate about having one more kid began.

For many months now, we have continued to go back and forth about having another baby. I don’t feel like I am done having kids, but I also don’t feel completely sure I want to take on one more. I don’t know if I have the energy emotionally or physically. I worry I would be spread so thin I couldn’t give my kids all the attention and support they deserve.

It is mainly the first few months with another newborn that scares me the most. Postpartum is hard on my body and mind. The lack of sleep just about kills me every time. While I love the newborn snuggles, I don’t want the brain fog, discomfort, and chaos of those first few months. But I don’t want to be deterred from having another kid by just those first few months. I would rather make the decision based on a lifetime of having a new child in our lives.

The other day, I met a mom at the park who decided to go for child number three after a lot of debate. Now she is pregnant with twins. Yikes.

Each day my answer is different about wanting another kid. Logically I probably should be done, but my heart wants one more. Will I ever feel like I am done having kids? Will any number of children make me feel like I am ready to give away all those newborn clothes? Maybe choosing to not expand our family will always be a hard decision, whether I have two kids or ten.

I wish I could simply wait a year or two and give this decision some time, but I am in my late 30s and my husband is in his late 40s, so we don’t have a lot of time to play with. I feel the pressure to go for it soon or accept being done.

I appreciate I get to live in this place of turmoil because we have been lucky enough to be able to get pregnant and chase our dream of a family. I am grateful the option for a third child can even be on the table.

I know I wouldn’t regret having another kid, but I might just regret it if I don’t. So, for now, I think my answer is yes, I want another child. We don’t have room in our house or our car, but maybe logic should take a back seat on this one because I definitely have room in my heart for one more.”

mom and child breastfeeding on the bed
Courtesy of Latched Mama

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Latched Mama. You can follow their journey on Facebook and InstagramSubmit your own story here.

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