In Another Life I’m Planning My Kids’ Trip To Disney, Not Worrying About Test Results

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“I never thought having a baby would be this hard.

Do you ever just wonder what your life would be like if you got pregnant a couple of months after you first started trying?

Do you ever wonder what your conversation would be like between your spouse and you?

Do you wonder what your finances would be like?

Would you be saving for your dream home or dream vacation?

For me, I think about where our life would be if we had a 3-year-old running around.

I would be a stay-at-home mom making play dates with my friends and family.

Would I be pregnant with our second?

Would we be planning on taking them to Disney?

I think about all of the holidays we would have had with them, and all their firsts.

But instead, my reality is thinking about how much Dr. Derbala’s protocol is going to cost.

What my test results are going to show on Monday.

If he thinks with his protocol it will bring us our rainbow baby.

Is our third round of IVF going to be the round we finally bring a baby home?

Do I have PCOS and what does this mean for future pregnancies?

If this last round does nothing and the embryos do not lead to a healthy pregnancy, we will have to start saving for adoption.

How long is it going to take to be matched with birth parents?

How old am I going to be when I finally get to be a mom, if I ever get to be one?

I just wish it wasn’t hard for us.

I wish I was having dinner with my husband and our child right now.

I wish in a couple of weeks we could do an Easter egg hunt with our children and see their faces when they see their basket from the Easter bunny.

But unfortunately, that isn’t our reality, infertility is… and it sucks.”

African American woman wearing pink shirt leans against the wall and stares longingly out the window.
Courtesy of stockfour (via Canva)

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Brittany. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more stories from Brittany:

I Really Thought We Were Finally Getting Our Christmas Miracle

This Photo Was Taken The Night We Found Out Our IVF Round Failed

Some Days I’m Strong, Other Days (Like Today) I’m Feeling Everything That Comes With Infertility

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