“I genuinely thought it would all be fine. I ate a healthy diet, was fit and healthy. I just couldn’t believe it. I was in a trance. Numb. There was yet another tumor, in a third place. I rang the cancer helpline. I tried to speak, but just cried. The poor person on the end just listened to me sob for 15 minutes without a break. I needed to get it all out of my system.”
“I sat on the floor of my balcony thinking about how I could hang myself but not wanting to do it for the sake of everyone outside. ‘This is all just a game.’ I missed a metal railing by a few inches and went straight into a ditch. I flipped 7 times, hit a tree and went airborne. The next thing I knew I was saying, ‘Jason? Jason, please don’t leave me.’ I was in a full-blown conversation with him. He was in the same white gown that I said goodbye to him at his funeral. ‘Cass, you are not alone, but you need to go back.’”
“Let’s talk to our kids about other children in this world who are doing good for it and the people in it. Let’s remind them that, even at a young age, they’re capable of making a difference. Encourage the heck out of them. Do your kids know all the good they can do? Mine don’t, and it’s my fault. But they will.”
“We had just lost the squirrel and the hamster the week before – I just didn’t feel like the kids could handle yet another death. ‘Hi, I have a prescription to pick up,’ I said. ‘Patient name?’ the cashier nonchalantly asked. ‘Ummmmm Cockadoodledoo Evans?’ I responded. ‘Um, ok birthdate?’ she asked. ‘Ma’am I’m not really sure, it’s a chicken,’ I said.”
“My new daughter sleeping should be a scene of total peace, and yet it’s terrifying. The ugly, hateful words swirl in my mind. ‘Life can’t really be good again, can it?’ ‘If something happens to her, then everyone will know what an awful mother you are.’ Child loss leads you to a crossroads—a choice between becoming bitter or becoming better.”
“Her brown curls bounced as she ran up to me with a smile on her face. She eagerly handed me a picture she drew that day. It was a colorful winter scene with penguins skating on a pond with the date 12/14. When my husband returned, he passed by the drawing, stopped and started counting. ‘Did you see what I saw?’ He pointed to the stars in the sky she had drawn. I counted them. Exactly 26.”
“I came from a good home. I didn’t suffer physical or sexual abuse. I didn’t feel ‘less than.’ I was a 3-sport athlete, excellent student. But I found a new love: drinking and getting high. My friend’s parents let us get wasted in their houses. I’d wake up, teeth chattering from withdrawals. I remember thinking, ‘I’m a college graduate! How did this happen?!’ Addiction had me whipped, and bad.”
“I have a toddler at home who I will not be able to take to get his picture with Santa. I will not be able to take him to see all the pretty Christmas lights. I sat in the shower and let the water run down my body as I cried. Then demons creep in. ‘It was boring getting high at home, taking care of a toddler all day. It would be fun to stay at a motel and just get high. I just want to do it ONE MORE TIME.’ I’m riddled with guilt. I’m so ashamed.”
“Brother is crying. I get mad. I yell. Sister is crying now. The sneakers I tripped over at bedtime have somehow separated and one is completely gone. Vaporized! EFFFFF!!!! We are now 10 minutes late. ‘Why is this room like this?!’ I yell at the top of my lungs. I carry this anger for the rest of the day.”
“We came across a mom and daughter with a flat tire. Mom was crying. ‘Can I help?,’ I asked. ‘Yes,’ she replied, but looked doubtful. She also said she doesn’t have a husband. She mentioned no less than 3 or 4 times in front of her little girl how she doesn’t have a husband, but needs one for moments like this. It crossed my mind to say something, but instead, I approached the little girl.”
