“I spent my whole life wanting time to speed up, wanting to be somewhere else. In high school, I couldn’t wait to get to college. When I got to college I couldn’t wait to be a working adult. When I fell In love, I couldn’t wait to get married. When all of that happened, I couldn’t wait to start a family. Flying through whatever stage in life I was in, dreaming to be in the next one.
Now, here I am. Laying in my (almost) two-year-olds room, rocking him to sleep. The house is quiet, today’s hustle is over, there are no distractions. Just my baby in my arms. I’m not rocking him to sleep because that’s how he needs to go down to the bed-in fact he would fall asleep faster if I laid him down and left his room. I rock him for me, I want to feel the warmth of his body against mine, feel his heart beating to the rhythm of mine. I gently rub my thumb across his little soft hand and run my fingers through his hair. I stare at him with tears rolling down my face. I try to sing him a lullaby but the words can’t even pass the large knot that’s in my throat. I wonder to myself, why is time unfairly moving so quickly? All I want to do is hold him longer.
That’s right, the girl who was sprinting through life is now desperately begging the universe to slow down.
The hardest struggle with motherhood wasn’t the labor and delivery, the sleepless nights, the feeding, the diaper blowouts, the colic crying or sick days. The hardest struggle with motherhood is the constant losing battle against time. It’s a race against a clock that keeps ticking faster and faster, it feels. The struggle is finding a way to stay afloat in every part of your life. The feeling that you’re failing no matter how great it may look to everyone else or how hard you tried.
Every night, when I lay my head on my pillow I ask myself; could I have given him more of me today? And the answer is always yes.
I could have given him more but there’s a house that needs to be cleaned because it’s his safe place and comfort; it’s his shelter. There’s a job I needed to get to because the rest of the world doesn’t care if I want more time with my kid because guess what? They probably do too. I had three piles of laundry to put away because I was sick earlier this week, groceries that need to be picked up & meals that need to be made.
I wanted to give him more but there was more that needed my attention too. In my heart, my baby is my whole world but the reality is, there’s a whole world that keeps on spinning even though all I want is to stop time and just be his mommy. I can’t give him all of the hours of my day, but I can give him my most quality time in all of the days of my life.
I can’t give him all of hours of my day but I can give him all the love he needs and probably more than he will want, for all of the days of my life.
I can’t give him all of the hours of my day but if I could, I absolutely would.
I remind myself that he will only be little for a little bit. One day, probably faster than I’ll be ready for it to happen, he will have friends he wants to play with instead of playing with mommy. And more time will flash by and there will be another woman who gets his quality time. So, this is it, these are the days. This is the short window of time where I have him all to myself.
Balancing life as a mom always feels rushed, guilty, tested and chaotic. I don’t think there’s a way to ever feel any different because the love is just ‘so pure.’
Moms, give yourself some grace and keep balancing as best as you can. And if you only have a little bit of time each day, make each of those precious moments count. Rock on the chair, hold your baby close and tell him that you love him. When the day is over and you lay your head down wondering to yourself, could I have given him more of me today? Remember you’re not alone feeling like that. And even though the answer is probably yes, simply thank God for today and rest your heart; for tomorrow is a brand new day.”
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