Disclaimer: This story contains details of grief and loss that may be upsetting to some.
“Where is God in Grief? It’s been one month. I’m still looking for him now…but he was there in the moment of death. Everywhere. He was there when the highway patrol brazened my porch with the death-defying ring of the doorbell, hats perched over their hearts, stating over and over, ‘I’m so sorry ma’am, he did not make it. There is nothing left of him or the car.’
He was there when the neighbors walking by ran to my hurled body on the porch and picked me up to carry me inside. He was there when friends dropped everything and drove from all over, spent thousands of dollars on standby, and barged through my door to hold me in their arms, as I shook and shuddered for my soulmate.
He was there when the nurse wrote me and said he did not suffer nor had any pain; he was dead on impact. Being burned to death leaves some electrical activity on the EKG. He was there when the medical examiner handed me the two most symbolic pieces left of his life—his wedding band and St. Christopher’s Medal around his neck, marred and tangled in char, flesh, and plastic.
He was there at the funeral home as we picked out a casket, urn, music, and every detail I had never asked nor wanted to know. He was there as hundreds and hundreds of people flew in from every part of our lives to celebrate the incredible human being my husband was. He was also there as a community of friends and family mourned an amazing soul, a giver of life, and a spirit you couldn’t contain.
He was there as I wrote his eulogy, my final love letter, to keep his legacy and love alive. One month later, God is here. I can’t see Him. But I talk to Him. Better yet, I yell at Him. He sees my pain, my anguish, and my broken heart. He doesn’t have a place for it yet, or me, as He’s being silent as I spin. When I eventually go quiet, He will lift me. He will find me, and I will find Him. I have faith and I have hope because I believe. God is there in grief.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Melissa Kurz of St. Augustine, Florida. Follow her journey on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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