“This abortion thing has been haunting me.
Maybe it’s actually taunting me.
I was pregnant not long out of high school.
Prior to those two pink lines, I had full scholarships to many many universities.
I had a clear way out of generational curses and traumas.
It was the wrong time.
The wrong situation.
I had a handful of abortion appointments scheduled.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I had the baby.
And, my struggling started.
When we were about 21, a friend thought she was pregnant.
I was the only one with a baby.
I was elected to go and buy her a pregnancy test.
The test was positive.
The guy was shady.
And a jerk.
It would have been awful.
I was there when she told her mom.
I distinctly remember saying, ‘I have to go. You can’t ask me. I couldn’t do it.’
She had an abortion.
She went on to finish college.
Find the right man.
Have multiple children.
Have a good life.
I would watch her life through the years.
As my marriage was a struggle.
As my oldest son was diagnosed with Autism.
As my marriage fell apart.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I would wonder how different my life would be had I gone to any of the abortion appointments my family frantically scheduled for me at 18.
I had a second (very planned) child.
Then, at 30, I was pregnant for the third time.
I didn’t know my husband was cheating.
The baby being his made him a liar to his mistress.
He wanted me to have an abortion.
I could not.
Everyone, I mean everyone, told me I had to have an abortion.
I had no idea he was actually leaving everything.
I was pregnant and alone.
It was hard.
I became a single mom to a preteen with Autism, a toddler, and an infant.
It was hard.
When I read all these posts about murdering your baby and there’s help and options and hope – I want to scream back at every single one.
There isn’t always help.
It’s not easy.
It’s really really really really hard.
And, if the mom isn’t prepared or capable of dealing with constant hard…
With life being just hard.
The outcome is not good.
Here’s the reality.
There are no laws that make men be fathers.
While child support can be court-mandated it’s not enforceable.
Being a single parent is impossible.
Even when you try your best you are still failing.
My kids are older now. 15, 8, and 4.
I have two college degrees.
I have a good career.
I bought a house.
I did everything right.
And you know what?
Today I used a vacation day to Instacart to make $65 to get gas to get back and forth to work for the rest of the week.
There are nights I have to Instacart after work or whatever kid’s practice there is that night.
I live paycheck to paycheck and probably will until the last kid graduates college.
Being a single mom in this modern world is HARD.
I wouldn’t force this on anyone.
I personally couldn’t have an abortion.
It didn’t sit well in my stomach (no pun intended).
But, I have nothing but love for those that KNOW they can’t do this.
We don’t need more hate in this world.
We need less judgment.
Love people, as an action verb, every darn day.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jacqueline Waxman. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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