“When you return home empty handed, you also face sleepless nights. You will be exhausted, but you find it hard to sleep. You know that waking up means living in a nightmare.”
‘Just you wait,’ they say with a knowing smirk, ‘life with a baby is exhausting.’ I’m here to tell you that life without the baby is exhausting too.’
‘I looked in every bloodied towel, piece of clothing, and bathroom for a sign of a precious life to bury. I whispered to myself, ‘Why are you doing this?’ In a fog of confusion, I quietly sobbed.’
“I waddled up the driveway with the sheer terror of dropping my insides out on the rocks and cement. My husband was pale and quiet as he whispered he ‘had no idea.'”
‘The doctor came in, handed me a bunch of pamphlets and spoke the words, ‘We feel this fetus is not compatible with life.’
“I stopped her right there. ‘I don’t care what this baby has or doesn’t have, I WILL be delivering this baby.”
‘On my honeymoon, I had an ‘is this it?’ moment. Your mind says that’s crazy. You’re crazy. I don’t see another way to escape this rabbit hole.’
“Friends, don’t say, ‘If you need anything let me know.’ We won’t. We won’t tell you. We never want to be a burden.”
‘I went to the bathroom 10-12 times a day. Each time, I sat crying and begging for it to be over. Then it was the last straw. I had it. My bottom ripped open after a 2-week recovery.’
“As I opened my eyes, I could see the blank white ceiling, hear the sound of alarms going off, and feel the indescribable pain spread across my body. The surgery was successful, but did that mean I was okay?”
‘I’m done,’ Mom finally said. She knew my dad was waiting on the other side. I needed to know that’s what she truly wanted. She discussed it with such peace and ease.’
“I was 4 months pregnant with baby number three. I arrived at her house to find her completely confused and disheveled. Something was very wrong. We rushed over to the ER. Mom was admitted. Funny how the relationship roles reversed.”
‘By age 9, I had thoughts about my own funeral. I wondered who would attend. Mom would find my Barbie dolls with notes like, ‘I want to die.’ Not at all normal for a child to be saying.’
“I remember telling my parents, ‘I love my life.’ That would soon change.‘ I lost the majority of my friends due to bullying. ‘I couldn’t even kill myself. I’m a failure.’”
‘We decided to fight for Oliver. His dad said, ‘If you’re in, I’m in.’ I was extremely nervous. He looked right into my eyes the moment we met.’
“What would we tell his big brother? The results came back negative, so we were left with no answers. I was then approached by a family member who informed me of a syndrome that had affected boys born into my family in the past.”
‘Why didn’t you call the police?’ ‘I would have fought back.’ ‘Well, why didn’t you?’ ‘You got married really young. Did you see the signs before you were married?’
“I would hear the words, ‘I want a divorce,’ for the first time, on our honeymoon. A friend had an intervention with me. An aunt told me, ‘You know, you don’t have to do this,’ right after we were engaged. I remember scoffing, thinking, ‘All it takes is commitment.’”
‘Nobody is having sex with their spouse every night. Except FREAKS. Nobody keeps the house clean all the time. Except FREAKS. It’s ok if you forget to clip your kid’s fingernails.’
“A breaking point is coming. Your child doesn’t really need a St. Patrick’s Day shirt. It feels like it’s your job to keep everyone happy, healthy and mentally well. But, that is a lie straight from the pits of HADES.”
