“Does anyone feel like they’re just living in a parallel world compared to everyone else?
Like you’re here, but you’re not really here. It’s like my life has hit a massive ‘pause’ button, almost as if it’s frozen in time. I’ve been so separated from the outside world, it doesn’t even feel real anymore. It’s like I’ve almost forgotten what home looks like, what the streets look like, what the noises of cars, dogs, and people sound like.
Everything from your old life just slips away further and further. I mean, time doesn’t even hold a significance to me anymore. I don’t get up for work, so I don’t need an alarm clock. I don’t have to commute, so I don’t need to get my butt out the door. I don’t need to check how long my break is, so I don’t need to worry about chatting too much and not eating. I don’t need to worry about getting home in time to make tea. I don’t need to make an effort to get to bed early, because I’m either in it or next to it. I don’t need to manage anything anymore; everything is now done for me. I don’t even have to think, ‘I need to get a drink,’ because it’s always replaced for me.
I don’t need to think about what day of the week it is, or week, or month. The weekends have no significance to me anymore; it’s just another day. I’m just living in a world where everything is merged into one and one day is pretty much the same as the next.
I see so many posts as jokes, ‘Everyone my age is getting married and I’m here with wine and crisps,’ or whatever. But most people my age are working, driving, walking, shopping. I literally feel like I’ve jumped 40 years ahead of everyone; it’s like I’ve become old before I even managed to fully enjoy being young.
I can’t help but feel envious of even those dearest to me. ‘I’m going to the lake this week.’ ‘I’m going on vacation…’ ‘We went out for a meal last night.’ I can’t help but think, ‘Good for you,’ in a sarcastic bitter way, which I know isn’t me really and I shouldn’t think this way.
I don’t want them to stop living their lives. I know life is too short and you should grab every opportunity to enjoy life and seize the moment. It’s just another reminder, another kick in the teeth. I can’t do those things… yet.
Now I have to flip it. I have the negative thoughts, but I’m not going to be harsh on myself for feeling this way. I think it’s perfectly normal for someone in my situation to feel like this. How could I not? But now I have to have this inner strength and flip my mindset, so I don’t end up in a downward spiral.
My life is on ‘pause’ but I’m getting the time to work on myself as a person, see life through a whole new lens of appreciation and gratitude which many don’t until it’s too late. I’m discovering things about myself I never really knew. I’m getting the chance to see how strong I really am, and after I conquer this, I will have the confidence in me to know I can literally get through anything life decides to throw at me again. I’ve been able to pause and reflect and know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have a clear drive and determination to not let anything stop me from achieving my dreams of being exactly who and what I want to be.
Again, this is something many of us never really have time to pause and think about it. We get too wrapped up in a routine of work, sleep, eat, repeat we just let life pass us by, then convince ourselves it’s too late to start again.
But I’m getting the chance to reset and start again. How lucky is that?
So, I’ll take the pause. I’ll take the reflection and the strength and I’ll never take no for an answer again. But believe me, once I’m well enough to press that ‘play’ button, it will be a great show where I will be the star, and shine brighter than ever.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by The Blondie Northerner of Northwest England. You can follow her journey on Facebook. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more from The Blondie Northerner:
Do you know someone who could benefit from this story? SHARE this story on Facebook to let others know a community of support is available.