“In 2020, I reconnected with a former colleague in my home town after working away for three years. Sharing memories and getting to know each other a bit more closely, we soon fell in love and moved in together shortly after. Although people advised we were moving too fast, we believed what we had was real and spent the next few months making memories together in our new home! It was amazing! I had just landed a new job and my relationship with my new boyfriend was thriving.
In April 2021, I was eight days late for my period. I woke up one morning and decided to take a pregnancy test, which to my surprise was positive! I told my partner straight away, and although shocked, we both knew that it was meant to be and after a few days of letting it settle in, we couldn’t wait to tell our friends and family about our exciting new addition! Our little poppy bean we called him/her (as they were the size of a poppy seed when we found out I was pregnant)!
Due to my family history and health conditions, I was quite keen to see someone about my pregnancy to help put my mind at ease. I have always struggled with anxiety and was quite shocked at the lack of support during these first few weeks, especially as a first-time mom. As we eagerly awaited our first midwife appointment to come along, I experienced cramping and a few days later spotting occurred. I rang the hospital straight away, but sadly they don’t want to hear if you’re less than 12 weeks pregnant, so I was advised to wear a sanitary pad and to keep an eye on the bleeding.
That evening, I passed what I can only describe as what no woman ever wants to see. I sat on the toilet and howled like I’ve never heard in my life with my partner holding me on the bathroom floor. We went straight to the hospital, but I knew our baby was gone; I had just seen it. I was checked over by a doctor who told me they had no answers and to go home, rest, and come back in a few days for a scan. I did. They found nothing. It was like our baby never existed. I passed my miscarriage at home, in bed, feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt in my life.
A few weeks later, my partner and I decided to try again, because the hole that had been left in our hearts was too much and we knew that we wanted a baby more than anything after this. Months had gone by and we’d had no luck; every pregnancy test was negative. Until January 2022. Our little Christmas miracle, I was finally pregnant! We were overjoyed, it was like a new start! But sadly this wasn’t our time either; a few weeks later, I had another miscarriage…
Mental Health After Miscarriage
After two miscarriages, I was starting to believe I would never have a baby. My mental health declined rapidly as we received no help or support after losing our second baby. I stopped going anywhere, seeing anyone or talking to people. I wanted to be alone. I couldn’t fathom putting on a happy face when my world was being torn apart. Until one day it got so bad that I ended up in hospital over fear of taking my own life. I struggle with anxiety, depression, and OCD. During the next few weeks, I had gotten myself to a gym, started running, and ended up losing over 15 pounds. This really improved my state of mind. My partner and I had stopped putting so much pressure on ourselves to try for a baby and we were both in a place were we felt we were making good progress in our recovery.
Journey To Rainbow Baby
On the morning of March 18th, I felt the urge to take a pregnancy test while my partner was sleeping. It was positive. As ecstatic as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to be excited. In fact, I told my partner by rolling my eyes and saying, ‘It’s happened again…’ and handing him the pregnancy test. I purely expected the worst to happen, which was why at 6 weeks when I experienced cramping and went for an emergency scan, I was shocked to see a baby with a healthy heartbeat! We had never had the pleasure of seeing any of our little beans on a scan before, so this made us extremely emotional and somewhat relieved. Now, I am 24 weeks pregnant and have seen our little GIRL multiple times on screen and feel her very strong kicks day and night!
Being pregnant with my rainbow baby (actually double rainbow!) has made this pregnancy extremely hard. Pregnancy is a difficult journey, but when you’ve experienced multiple losses, it can definitely play with your anxiety… I ask myself things daily like, ‘Why isn’t she moving as much today? Am I drinking enough? Am I hurting her? Is she going to be okay?’ The list continues… The lowest point was definitely in my first trimester. I suffered from extreme morning sickness (also known as hyperemesis gravidarum), so I went days were I could barely get out of bed. I was put on a drip in hospital and given anti-sickness tablets to help, but this continued for a few weeks. The only positive to be taken out of that situation was I was often too sick to be anxious about the pregnancy! During my second trimester I got COVID which was another stressful situation to deal with. All that would play on my mind was, ‘I’m going to lose my baby,’ because as much as I try to keep a positive mindset, when you’re in bed struggling to breathe, with no energy and a headache you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy… it’s where you mind automatically goes!
I’m just two weeks away from entering the third (and last) trimester of my pregnancy, and it has been a wild ride! Sick to death with constant worry, I try to remind myself it means that I care and that this baby will be loved more than anything in my life before! When it comes to advice for expectant mothers dealing with anxiety during pregnancy, I don’t think there is a simple answer. And if there is, I’m definitely not qualified to give it! However, I would say to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. Your body is changing in so many ways that anxiety is inevitable; just know that it is completely normal to feel this way and there are so many support groups and online forums that enable you to chat with others on the same journey as you (these have actually really helped me!) that can help put your mind at ease during this crazy time in your life. I set up my instagram page to connect with like-minded women and try to inspire and bring comfort (with a touch of humor) to others who may be experiencing the same emotions as me whilst pregnant with their rainbow babies or bring hope to those TTC (trying to conceive).”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Kirstie of Liverpool, United Kingdom. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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