Dear Ally Moms, Saying ‘I’m Your Mom Now’ To LGBTQ+ Individuals Is Not The Solution

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“Dear Ally Moms and Queer Moms,

There’s nothing most of us abandoned queer kids want more than a real mom. A person who we can talk to every day or at least once a week about literally anything and everything, spend holidays with, and have family vacations with. That special consistent connection. That constant go-to person. That place you know you can always show up without being officially invited.

Saying ‘I’m your mom now’ (I’ve seen a few memes going around) has good intentions I’m sure, but really being able to deliver on that is hard (very hard) and saying it lightly diminishes one of the biggest losses us queer kids whose parents have let us go and let us down permanently have to deal with pretty much every day.

Promising to be an aunt is more realistic. Doing mom things for us when you can is awesome. We really, really appreciate it. Just don’t claim the title of taking on mom to any queer kid whose mother has chosen not to be there for them unless you’re truly prepared to do that. With all due respect, you really can’t do that 99% of the time and it minimizes the very real grief we are still learning to face so much of the time.

Please keep being a part of Mama Bears groups, wearing your ‘Free Mom Hugs’ shirts, and giving out hugs from a mom. We do love it and appreciate it so very much. But we are still gonna have to deal with the sting of not being included in anyone’s family vacations or yearly holiday plans on an annual basis. We know you have your own families and your own lives, and one human can only do so much.

Sometimes it’s a lot just to acknowledge the grief we hold. We are learning how to carry on while holding it. Please don’t claim ‘I’m your mom now’ when this is just another sting, but I do hope I’ll get a hug from you the next time I see you.

Thanks for wanting to be there for us, and I’ll take all the aunts I can get. Having a village is a beautiful thing.

An Orphaned Queer Person”

Bisexual person sits on a concrete ledge in a rainbow t-shirt with a unicorn on it that reads "born this way"
Courtesy of Noël Ly Heatherland

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Noël Ly Heatherland of Atlanta, GA. You can follow their journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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