“I’m not excited to be pregnant. I never wanted to be pregnant. This wasn’t a good time in my life, or for my family to get pregnant. I, in fact, did a lot to prevent becoming pregnant.
Pregnancy for me has been miserable so far, with only a handful of days I’ve felt like I wasn’t just a vessel being used and actually felt like myself. I have been unable to escape the physical symptoms and feel incapacitated most of the time, during a season of life that is demanding and taxing and requires more than I’m able to give.
Hearing people say, ‘Congratulations!’ feels isolating and lonely. I know it is ‘the thing to say,’ but I question that significantly since getting pregnant and hearing it over and over.
Congrats on my multiple failed birth controls?
Congrats that I’ve had four months of physical misery?
I get it… babies are a gift, but it wasn’t a gift I had on my life registry right now. I will adjust my life to receive the gift and I know it ‘will all be worth it in the end.’ But that doesn’t make me feel better right now. It makes it more lonely really, because while everyone ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ at my changing belly, I’m going to bed in pain and overwhelmed at the present reality and future ahead of me.
I know I will figure it out. I don’t regret my decision to carry this baby. I know I will love this baby despite my lack of connection right now. My negative feelings don’t mean I shouldn’t carry this baby and doesn’t mean I won’t love or be a good mother to my baby.
It’s difficult for many people to sit in that reality. Pregnancy is a myriad of emotions for me that don’t fit into the box people want it to.
I will take the congratulations when I’ve successfully carried, labored, and delivered this baby into my arms. Congratulate me then. In the meantime, maybe just read and listen and start to let yourself be challenged.
Let’s normalize more than simply being excited to be pregnant.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Rin Miller. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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