‘How can a black daughter go to white gay men!?!’: LGBT adoptive dads in mixed-race family raise awareness about discrimination

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“Picture this.

Two people that have committed their lives together decide to grow their family. They plan, they save their money, they meticulously create the nursery. They care nothing about what the baby looks like, only that it is healthy.

No race or sex matters to them. They look at each other as they squeeze each other’s hands and gaze into each other’s eyes with all of their fear and anxiety braided together with excitement.

A tear falls down their cheek while the other wipes it.

Picture this.

After all the planning, saving, and dreaming, they’re still rejected by half of our country.

They didn’t do anything wrong.

It was quite the contrary, actually. This couple did everything right. Yet, they still weren’t good enough. ‘In the eyes of the Lord they are an abomination.’

Despite all of the planning, the frugal budgets put in place to even allow it to happen financially, they were still not good enough in the eyes of our society as a whole.

Picture this.

The couple looks at each other with defiance in their eyes and opposition burning in their heart as they march forward.

Picture this.

Defying odds and breaking barriers, the couple moves on despite half the country’s opinion.

The couple creates the family of their dreams. Two girls and a boy; a melting pot of different backgrounds, races, and families.

Two very white daddies, in love with all of their heart and just putting one foot in front of the other, hope that typical American Dream is extended to us, too. Unfortunately, it stings every single time when it isn’t.

We’ve been yelled at multiple times because our daughter is black and has no business having two white gay daddies.

Both adjectives, white and gay have been used together.

There is anger in their eyes that comes from them when they see and relate to our daughter.

Picture this.

When our second daughter was born, I did all I could to learn how to do her hair, respectfully and fiercely.

I created a YouTube channel to help give others with black daughters the opportunity to learn a little bit more about caring for and styling ‘black hair.’


It is a struggle! The bonnet, the shower cap, the swimmer cap, the leave-in conditioner that doesn’t get white and clunky along with the shampoos that don’t make my baby’s eczema act up. Then, finding the perfect lotion that helps clear it up if there is a break out.

I am a straight shooter. I call it how I see it and I move forward.

We are now on upwards of 5 times that this happened regarding our middle child with someone else of her own race.

These ANGRY encounters haven’t happened any other time. The looks? Others watching? Sure.

All day, every day. They are just watching, possibly in curiosity.

Picture this.

Walking down Wall Street in New York City a black man in a suit looks at us and yells, ‘How can a black daughter go to white gay men!?!’

The screaming continued the length of the entire block. It was like he had not seen it before. And he very well may not have.

Paying our respects to Stonewall that day felt eerily appropriate.

We were just talking to our girls about why Gay Pride was created in the first place. Then, to experience the embarrassing degradation first hand? Add the barrage of questions from our kids, and then realizing where we were and what year it was? It was s sucker punch in public.

Yet we quickly blanket our kids from them and rush away telling them they were psychotic and daddy works with those types of people all the time. It’s somewhat the truth, right?

Luckily, right now, they just react to the yelling. They aren’t listening to the words. But what happens when they mature and start to understand the vile words coming from their pit of a mouth?

Picture this.

Half of America doesn’t want women to have reproductive rights, yet half of the country doesn’t want our LGBT community to adopt the babies that these women will be forced to have. It is ridiculous and I see you. We all see you.

To those in power trying to rescind our rights, hear this:

We are here, dammit. Our LGBT families deserve the dignity, respect, and chance to live like you despite your hypocritical religious views.

We are not going anywhere.

Race does not matter just like orientation DOES NOT MATTER. Get off of it.”

Two gay dads holding their three mixed race, adopted children and a rainbow flag
Courtesy of Erik Alexander

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Erik Alexander. You can follow their journey on Instagram and Facebook. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

Read more stories from Erik:

‘People ask, ‘Who’s the mom?’ Just like them, we’d do ANYTHING for our babies.’: LGBTQ dads urge for acceptance

‘Are you my birth mom?’ I fought tears. ‘She searched all over for a Daddy and Papa who’d take care of you.’: Dads discuss blessing of open adoption

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