“‘I cannot understand you. Let’s speak English, no?’ she said, impatiently. ‘Uh, okay.’ I replied. ‘Umm…I would like some red lipstick, please.’ She took a moment to look me over and I couldn’t help but get the feeling I was somehow inadequate. ‘I think you’d be more com-for-ta-ble in this co-lor…’ she said as she grabbed a lipstick tube off the shelf.”
“We woke to my son crying and covered in vomit. The next day, his brother was the same and couldn’t keep anything down. We thought it was a stomach bug, but it kept happening. ‘Both your boys have leukemia.’ It felt like being stuck in some kind of messed up Groundhog Day where all your nightmares are real. I felt helpless.”
“I have all these mental images of women, dressed for success and sitting desks with their laptops open and their not-even-necessary glasses to the side. The lighting is bright and there is a perfectly groomed plant in the corner by a floor to ceiling window. I felt like an imposter for being successful.”
“I dreamed about you before you were even a possibility. I dreamed of you when the doctors and tests said no. I dreamed of you while I carried you in my heart and soul. And then, suddenly, you were there. Your tiny hand wrapped around my finger in an empty hospital room, looking up at me with big eyes, asking me to love you. Be patient with me as I learn to let you go.”
“I chose an amazing woman to be the mother of the child I birthed. And yet, I no longer knew how to approach her. Nine years after placing my daughter the adoption agency called me with news that would change the rest of my life. My birth daughter’s family had contacted them to see if I would be willing to meet.”
“I’m tired or vibrant. I’m drinking water or in the drive-thru with a Coke. I wake up and get everything done or I’m coasting till bedtime. I often wake up wondering which side of the line I’ll fall on today.”
“He’s not your typical 9-year-old boy. He watches musicals, not football. He is sensitive and shy. Yet another day he is reduced to tears after no one wants to be his friend. Another day he bows his head, in fear he will be mocked.”
“I angled my body toward the door and pointed. My mom eyes were out in full force. My tiny human was lying in the grass of the front yard, kicking and screaming words I could not make out because he couldn’t fit a dinosaur into his frog backpack. I think I heard something about me being a bad mommy. So you know what I did? I completely lost it. LOST IT.”
“When I was pregnant, everyone said to me, ‘Enjoy every moment. It goes by so fast.’ I wish I could go back and re-do the first few weeks with my firstborn. I would cherish every moment. It feels like just yesterday you entered this world, but now, it’s a distant memory.”
“Was it an accident? Would he be okay? I knew the worst was yet to come. The decision had to be made to remove him from life support at just 5 years old while state decided to pursue adoption for my sisters. I was asked, ‘Do YOU still want to foster them?’ And just like that, my plans changed.”
