“I’d never seen my husband speechless until that moment. I remember being terrified, but I assumed everything would end up okay. These sorts of terrible things happened to ‘other people,’ and surely not me.”
‘And there’s the other one!’ she said. Another blob appeared. My husband and I were shocked. I broke out in a huge smile. ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!’
‘I told her, ‘Your mom is here.’ I admit, her appearance is shocking to most people.’: Mom gives birth to daughter with severe birth defects
“The nurses started whispering I didn’t want to see my own daughter, that I was rejecting her. After hearing those comments, I got up. I touched her face. Sometimes it’s impossible to not be uncomfortable when people stare at us in the street, and see her as an alien. I dream they can see her like I do, as a beautiful little girl.”
‘This is an unhealthy pregnancy. There is no way he will make it.’ My husband and I didn’t believe them. We saw a baby kicking with a strong heartbeat. We have never felt more confused.’
“He was born the following morning, eyes still fused shut. His skin was translucent. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen. He was intubated right away. I refused. I knew he was strong, and I knew if they just gave him TIME he would get there, as he always had.”
‘She ‘knew I wouldn’t understand.’ Immediately I corrected her. I’m no stranger to pain. My husband struggled to pull the utensils out of their ‘hiding place.’ Then, I heard him say it.’
“You do it for the people who don’t even live here. You do it to impress your visitors. You do it so no one will see your mess.”
‘Mom, that boy said Judah looked weird.’ I knew. I saw. I could feel the little boy boring holes into my 4-year-old, who has Down syndrome.’
“I watched him turn away and mention my son to his dad. That’s the first mistake we both made. We both chose to turn away.”
‘Each morning I wake up with the same thought. ‘Do I want to eat today, or do I want to feel skinny?’ I refuse my family’s offerings as they cook their eggs and pour their cereal.’
“I quietly sip my coffee and think to myself, ‘If I eat, I’m instantly going to feel fat.’ It’s a 2-hour struggle with fear and lies about my body before I realize I’m actually starving.”
‘I received the stares, the looks and many of the glares. I knew what those looks were really saying. I understood my life was no longer my own.’
“Memories flood my head so fast they start to overflow as tears run down my face.”
‘You both seemed fine.’ I said. ‘Were you two fighting behind closed doors or something?’ I was on the phone with a divorced friend. I didn’t know what to say. She’d been married 13 years.’
“Then I thought about the night my father left. He came home and told my mother he’d been having an affair, and that he was leaving. I remember it being church quiet. It was an eerie, weighty silence I didn’t understand then.”
‘It’s not my job to make you happy. Sorry, buckaroo. You’re going to have to figure that one out on your own. I’ll make sure I am happy.’
“’You’ve screwed up again.’ You’ll be out of this house. And when that happens, there won’t be much we can do to make you happy anymore.”
‘My phone rang. It was my husband’s uncle. My heart started pounding. ‘You were meant to be this baby’s mom.’ I remember thinking to myself, ‘Is this really happening?’
“I was warned it still wasn’t a sure go, but the odds were in my favor. As we closed the phone call, I smiled in disbelief. She was due in five weeks. FIVE WEEKS!”