“I loved my baby, so how could I be depressed? But I was. I was suffocating. I was literally gasping for air.”
‘I was rocking my crying baby in his bassinet, bubbling with rage. My hands going white from gripping the bassinet so hard. I shook it forcefully and I screamed, ‘What do you want?!”
‘My son used a hand dryer today. It was one of the proudest moments of my life.’
“Having a child with sensory issues and autism is not something I anticipated when becoming a mother, but it’s become my normal. They scare him, overwhelm him, can be physically painful for his ears, and he has had intense anxiety over them since he was a baby.”
Mom said, ‘4 years, 7 attempts, 3 miscarriages and 1,616 shots.’
“We went in at 11 weeks to find his heart had stopped. We were done… Crushed, confused, and heartbroken. We took a break from it all and almost through in the towel. But we knew we had one embryo left. If we didn’t try it, we would have to discard it and there was no way we could do that.”
‘She is smiling while digging in her heels. I try. My brother tries. Dad does not try. He is tired. He is waiting. He has run out of words.’
“Mom would look down the table at them and you could almost feel the sadness as she went back to eating her breakfast. She knows what laughter is. She also knows she no longer understands what brings that wonderful sound to others.”
I Don’t Want To Get Over My Grief, And I Shouldn’t Have To
“When he died, I as so angry about his death and so frustrated with some people that I actually envisioned myself at his funeral turning them away if they showed up.”
‘At first, I received lots of criticism for my new lifestyle. I sit at 150 pounds from 236. I knew that Intermittent fasting had been the right choice for me.’
“I was bullied from the first day of middle school to the last. I skipped so many days they threatened to hold me back. I eventually met with a counselor to avoid the hallways and stay ‘undetected’ by the tormentors.”
‘At 11, I had one foot on Earth and one in Heaven. While other girls complained of their periods, I longed for one. My body was a ticking time-bomb.’: Youngest female to ‘undergo hysterectomy’ embarks on adoption journey
“In my 20s, I watched all my friends marry and have babies. I saw their lives unfolding while mine was stuck. I felt like guys could somehow sense my ‘barrenness’. Like somehow other girls gave off some mysterious appeal I couldn’t. I knew infertility would one day rear its ugly head. I was an old soul trapped in a young body.”
‘Lathered in sunscreen, poolside, I suddenly realized my son wasn’t with me. My eyes hit the shallow end. I spotted a toddler completely submerged in water. The world stopped. I plunged in.’
“I was not the mother to make this kind of error. The mother who looked away. ‘If he’s alive, he’d be kicking, fighting.’ Why wasn’t he fighting? I pulled him onto the cement and thrusted my hand against his back. Fingernails pink, skin pale, lips discolored. His white knuckles gripped my neck. ‘ANDREW. Andrew, please come back to me.'”
‘I had finally been found out. The wails coming from my hysterical sister’s mouth were horrific. I had just confessed my truth.’
“There was another unfamiliar feeling sprouting through the cracks of my bruised and battered psyche. That feeling was hope. I didn’t have to be this monster anymore. I didn’t have to hustle to find my fix and I didn’t ever have to use again if I didn’t want to, I finally had a choice.”
‘The grocery store. For most people, it’s a place of necessity. For a grieving parent, it can be an emotional gauntlet.’
“I notice the cashier’s name is Grace. I smile because I love seeing any part of my daughter’s name. It’s like a little wink from her and I know she’s okay. ‘How are you doing today?’ the cashier asks. ‘I’m good,’ I say, only half lying.”