‘I still wake up planning when I might be able to get a nap.’: Mom of 5 opens up about daily struggle of sleeplessness

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“When my kids were babies, I legit fantasized about sleep. I’d wake up in the morning after a long night and plan out when I might be able to take a nap.

Then I held on for that moment.

In my most desperate times, I would do anything I could to rest and would position myself in their play to be any part where I could lay down: I’d volunteer to be the road the matchbox cars would drive on if the kids would let me shut my eyeballs.

I was so tired.

And I was sure someday I would sleep again. I would take back my life once these kids didn’t need me to feed and rock them all night, or once they were no longer getting up at 5:00 AM, ready for their mom/waitress to make their meal–which wasn’t unreasonable, as they couldn’t yet pour a bowl of cereal, let alone milk.

Well, my kids are tall now.

They can get their own cereal.

They even like to sleep until noon.

Yet I still wake up planning when I might be able to get a nap.

I am so tired.

Because now I’m up all hours with Bigs doing homework or having the conversations they weren’t ready to have earlier, or I’m working to get done any of the things that fell by the wayside because I’ve been driving around in my van/taxi all day.

I’m still up at night wishing for the days when how long I would continue to nurse them was the big problem. It feels as if that would be easier to solve than whether or not my baby is ready to move across the country for college.

And when she goes, I’m guessing I still won’t sleep because she won’t be under my roof.

You guys, there are a million reasons moms aren’t sleeping.

And those reasons change, but they don’t go away just because our kids grow.

We are all so tired.

Because tired is how you feel when you’re giving all you can.

To your sweet little babies.

And scared-of-the-dark toddlers.

And worried school-age kids.

And angsty, overwhelmed teens who will not stop eating all night long.

We are giving our all, friends.

Someday we will sleep, but the odds are it won’t be today.

We are so tired. We are so loved. We are so lucky.

Hang in, sisters. Close your eyes when you can. Refill that coffee when there’s no nap to be had.

And know the work you are doing is good.

Exhausting.

But so good.”

Courtesy Amy Betters-Midtvedt

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Hiding in the Closet with Coffee by Amy Betters-Midtvedt. The article originally appeared here. Follow Amy on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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