“‘What are you doing, Mommy?’
‘Oh nothing, Sweetie.’
That was the honest, ridiculous truth.
I was scrolling through my phone, on Facebook or Instagram, I’m sure, doing absolutely nothing. Nothing of value. Nothing important. Nothing worthy of taking my attention from him.
And him asking that of me, him having valid reason to question my inattentiveness—it made me uncomfortable. It hurt my heart. It forced me to face some really crummy parts of me, pieces that I prefer to bury and hide and pretend don’t exist. Leave it to a toddler to unabashedly point out your shortcomings.
As I set my phone to my side and assured my little guy that I was now focused on him and him alone, the way it should’ve been all along, it hit me.
He wasn’t really asking, ‘What are you doing?’
His two-year-old heart was actually trying to ask, ‘Why are you doing?’
Why are you focusing on anything and everything but me?
Why are you putting your attention elsewhere?
Why are you prioritizing ‘them’ over me?
Why are you willing to miss this for that?
Why are you trading memories with me for scrolls through your phone?
Why are you making me feel as if I’m not enough?
I suddenly heard the true cries of his heart, and it shattered me.
You see, each time I choose to pick up my phone and place my attention elsewhere, I’m sending a message to my boys, one that they hear loud and clear.
You are not interesting.
You are not fun.
You are not a priority.
You are not deserving of my full attention.
You are not sufficient.
And the worst part of it all is that I still do it. It’s a terrible habit, this escape from the everyday that I can’t seem to kick.
But I have to.
I have to send my children a different message.
I need them to know in the depths of their little souls, without a shadow of a doubt, that this life as their mama, it’s more than enough. These days spent doing a whole lot of the same things over and over and over again, they’re more than enough. That they, exactly who they are right here, right now, are more than enough.
So, look up, Mama. Don’t waste one more second looking down.
It’s not worth it. But they are.”
This story was written by Krista Ward of Kisses From Boys with Krista Ward. The article originally appeared on her Facebook page. Submit your story here, and be sure to subscribe to our best love stories here.
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