Another Month Has Gone By And We Still Aren’t Pregnant

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“I just don’t know…

I don’t know why another month has gone by and we still aren’t pregnant.

I don’t know why we are forced to face this harsh reality once again that it is still not our time.

I don’t know why I continually let myself become so hopeful for something I have no control over.

I don’t know why we have been chosen to walk down this path.

I don’t know why we have to go through the same heartbreak over and over and over again.

I don’t know why I can never accept the negative results that stand before me.

I don’t know why nothing we have tried has worked yet.

I don’t know why other people get to experience what we want so badly so easily.

I don’t know why another year has gone by and we still stand here with empty arms.

I don’t know why God would put such a love and desire for something in our hearts if we may never get it.

I don’t know why all of this has to be so hard.

I just don’t know why anymore…

I do know ultimately God gets to decide these things, but at the end of the day I’m only human. I doubt myself, I question His plans for me, and I raise my fists in anger when I fail to understand why things go the way that they go.

I know I need to trust Him, I know He has my best interest in mind and He would never put anything in my life I couldn’t handle…but honestly, I don’t understand why us.

Why does He have to get my hopes up, give me signs and feelings and false happiness only to snatch away that dream in an instant? Why me, what did I do to deserve this?

I understand I have time, I understand it will happen whenever it happens, but I can’t take being told this constantly. I want what I want.

So, as I stand here staring at this unforgiving pink line I can’t help but ask the question why, because I just don’t know anymore…”

Woman struggling with infertility takes a photo of a negative pregnancy test with 'I don't know' written on it
Courtesy of Mackenzie Eckinger

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Mackenzie Eckinger of Ohio and originally appeared here. You can follow her journey on Instagram here and here. Submit your own story  hereand be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more from Mackenzie here:

I Want To Conceive, But I Don’t Want To Keep Trying

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