“The first words out of my mouth as my body flooded with oxytocin were, ‘You are so cute.’ You were perfect, big lips, small button nose, the cutest most perfect feet I have ever seen. I said out loud to your dad multiple times that you just were so quiet in there, and I hoped you were okay. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. Looking at you, finally, was the most magical moment.”
“We were on cloud nine: our baby was here, he seemed to be in perfect health. I remember hugging him, saying, ‘Welcome to our family! I’m so happy to finally meet you!’ I commented on his nose and ears, but again, no red flags. Babies fresh from the womb all look like aliens anyway. His face suddenly looked completely different. I remember thinking, ‘This is not your fault.’ From the first moment I met him, he’s been whispering to me, ‘It’s okay, Mom. There’s nothing to be afraid of.'”
“People will try to cheapen your self-love with promises of the perfect glow, hair color, or skin tone. Don’t chase the elusive rabbit. Aim for healthy, and you will land on confidence. Little people are now watching. Show them a woman doesn’t have to run herself into the ground to be loved. The woman inside only needs you to love her. No man will make her come alive.”
“A nurse held my hand and whispered a prayer in my ear. That’s the last thing I remember before falling asleep. When I opened my eyes, I was alone. I tried to lift my hands and feet but couldn’t – I was tied to the bed. I began to panic. I couldn’t rest until I laid eyes on my little miracle. She was kicking, flailing her arms. I touched her finger and she grabbed my finger with all her might. It was then I knew, not only would she, but WE, would be just fine.”
“Meeting up with friends, trips away and nights out become distant memories. Because your tribe becomes parents in the same position. We can’t relax, because we still have someone to care for. It doesn’t go away. If this job was advertised, I couldn’t see many people applying.”
“We took them in just for the weekend, but quickly fell in love. The longing to birth my own children simply went away. The love I felt for them was so strong. The social worker took us for a wild ride. She gave us an ultimatum. ‘If you don’t take the youngest sister back, I will take all 3 girls and place them in another home.'”
“When the funeral coordinator arrived, I gently picked Sophia up one last time. I carried her down the stairs to the gurney waiting for her. I made sure she was carefully secure as she was loaded into the van to the funeral home. I was lucky to be her daddy. I still have not grieved from watching my beautiful sweet girl die. I write her name in the shower on the glass with a big heart every day. It’s my way of remembering her.”
“The stress and worry of the NICU life, the hospital bill and being away from my daughter, trying to ‘lead a normal life’, was debilitating. I was not okay, but I tried to be; I had to be okay for her. She fought harder for her life in 27 days than most people do in 27 years.”
“While I was at the gym, I felt a sudden gush. At first, I thought it was water, but I looked down and saw blood. I panicked, fearing the worst. Everything seemed better. I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well and went into the bathroom. There was blood everywhere – it looked like a murder scene. Miraculously the babies were fine. I noticed my legs were severely swollen and I had a bad headache. My husband took one look at my ‘cankles’ and said, ‘We need to call the doctor, NOW.”
“It was the first time anyone referred to my sweet new baby as anyone’s ‘half-brother’ and it stung. To this day, I’m ashamed I didn’t immediately put him in his place. Instead, our 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER did it for me.”
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