“I got excited at the idea of one more child. Then the doctor told me, ‘Time is of the essence for you. It seems the kidney isn’t here.’ Now you might be asking, what about the pee? We lost his heartbeat. They couldn’t get it back. My doctor looked me in the eye. ‘We need to get him out, NOW.'”
“The deadly bacterial infection spread to my heart. The machine next to my bed started beeping wildly. I remember the fluorescent lights burning my eyes. The beeps kept getting louder, louder. My mother flew over, piling blankets over me. Though my mother was not calm this time, I breathed her in. That’s all I remember. No pain.”
“The moment I’m at home alone with the thoughts of my divorce the urge to drink alone at home begin. There’s a reason I’m always out and about, why my social calendar is booked, and why I like getting away and going out of town on the weekends. It is because I have to.”
“I hope you never get that phone call at work. That desperate plea from your child to ‘come get me now.’ The call where your heart drops into your stomach and you have no idea what you are walking in to. I would much rather be at my desk.”
“I remember walking into the church on a warm June day and seeing my husband’s casket at the end of the aisle, draped with the American flag. Like so many of us before you, you gained membership into a club nobody wants to join, and on top of that, the whole world is watching. I promise you will come out of this on the other side one day.”
“’She has a few markers that are consistent with Down syndrome.’ I felt like someone told me my entire family had just died. I felt like I was in a nightmare. ‘I’m not equipped to handle this.’ I listened to my nurse talk about her twin brother with Down syndrome. I couldn’t believe it. That was the first moment where I felt, ‘Maybe I can do this.’”
“I remember being so excited for my due date. Then we went to the doctor and saw our baby, but no heartbeat. Suddenly, it was over. My jeans fit again. I stored the congratulatory letters in a box. Friends told me to ‘move on.’ Weeks later, I was shopping when a woman pushing a newborn in a carriage walked by. I started to cry. Another woman turned around and gently smiled. ‘It is so tough. 20 years later, I still wonder what that child would have been like.’ Tears fell from my eyes.”
“His lesions were so severe he couldn’t eat. Rashes covered his entire body. We had to inject him with Pedialyte every 15 minutes just to keep him from passing out. In the midst of trying to be a normal family of 3, we suffered 3 miscarriages. Here we were, emotionally and physically exhausted, still yearning for hope. Little did we know, after 11 pregnancies, baby B would surprise us with blood in his diaper at just 2 months old. We knew something was terribly wrong.”
“I stand there for a moment, clutching those two bottles in each hand, silver lids removed. I’m angry. I’m sad. ‘Why did you do this, Kara? Why?’ I need you to know, as devastating as The Decision has been for all of us, I will fulfill my promise to you. I bet you didn’t know it would force me back here, to a magical place I equally loathe and love. But here we are. It’s been 340 days.”
“‘Did you see what she’s WEARING?’ ‘She got fat!’ ‘God, she should date guys her age!’ ‘WHY doesn’t she just wear a bit of foundation?’ My children were right there.”
