“I planned our wedding in less than 2 months. I was pregnant, so I didn’t care what my hair looked like on our special day as long as it was out of my face so I could quickly vomit. We were married on a Sunday and went back to work on Monday. I wasn’t wearing my dream dress. But my loved ones surrounded me, and when I said ‘I do,’ I believed in the person I was choosing to lead me into our new life.”
“As I was driving home from the ER this week for the 50th time (I’m a boy mom – don’t judge) looking at my youngest in the back seat, my mind was racing. Here’s another broken bone, that means another doctor visit, another possible surgery, another doctor bill. My mind was going everywhere. I only need to take 4 hours off work. If they do surgery, I’ll need the full day off. I’m an awful mom. And then it hit me. Get your big girl panties on. It’s nothing terminal. I silently cried the whole way home.”
“When they pick my performance to pieces and criticize my every move, I then have to deal with being humiliated and adding another layer of my ‘not being good enough’ complex to the myriad of problems I already have to face on a daily basis.”
“I was 18 when I married my high school sweetheart. I hesitantly resigned myself to becoming a youth pastor’s wife, and told myself I’d learn to bake casseroles and become the epitome of domesticity. I told myself this was who I was. I never anticipated the crash.”
“As I scrolled through his pictures, what I saw stopped me in my tracks. A few weeks before his death, Chase had gone to a basketball game. There was only one member of the team showing in both pictures. It was Nick, my fiance and now husband. I’d always had the feeling Chase approved of Nick, but this seemed like a message from Heaven that I was on the right path. I was marrying the right guy.”
“The doctor was cold, rude, and uncomfortable. He ignored my husband every time he tried to speak and suggested we ‘put him up for adoption.’ Yet, NO ONE agreed he had Down Syndrome. We looked at his little almond-shaped eyes and back at each other and just KNEW. Our lives didn’t ‘fall apart.’ We didn’t ‘mourn’ the loss of a ‘perfect’ baby. We were just so in love.”
“I was about to move out, but I found out I was pregnant. I was running on fumes. I felt like I’d made a huge mistake becoming a mom. I wasn’t good at this. I drank to cope. My marriage ended explosively. I finally decided enough was enough when my daughter started copying everything I do. She reached for my beer, and I remember deciding, it was time to be done. For good. That was 8 months ago.”
“For years I referred to ‘losing Lochlan’, like he was still lost in a department store and I just needed to go pick him up.”
“You see, my daughter’s syndrome doesn’t allow you to touch her face or hands. That day, I saw Ivy on the love seat with granny. They both leaned in, foreheads touching, and granny was holding Ivy’s hands and face! Ivy was SMILING and listening to granny quietly speak. ‘You are special. You are good enough. You are different…on purpose.’ No matter the diagnosis or prognosis, I KNEW my Ivy heard granny and understood.”
“I feel sick with worry because I am here, and she is there. Every single moment of every single day I see the potential behind my daughter’s beautiful brown eyes. My biggest fear is that others will not see the same things in her.”
