‘I’m driving home, my son and his broken bone. I prayed. Please don’t need surgery. I cried. And it hit me.’: Mom learns to count her blessings rather than letting anxiety spiral out of control

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“Anyone else feel like your life’s in a bit of a blur right now? You’re a wife, a mom, a worker, a home keeper. You’re so busy doing stuff that you feel as though life is a merry go round and it is spinning and spinning and spinning some more. And no matter what you do, you can’t get it to stop, even if for just a minute to regain your balance? To take a breather for a second.

Life is chaos. There’s always something. The dogs need let out or fed. The bedding needs washed, the laundry needs done, dishes need to be done, toilets need scrubbed, floors need swept, windows need washed, groceries that need bought and put away, oh and dusting, there’s always dusting that needs to be done. Someone’s always sick or injured. The boys are always fighting, or someone’s grounded, things always lost. There seems to be endless doctor and ER visits in our household.

Life is busy. There’s basketball games, football camps, baseball tryouts, practices, permission slips that need signed, lunch $ needs to be paid, haircuts that are needs, teeth that need brushed, snack bags that need packed, coolers that need filled, cars that need packed, jerseys that need found and then washed, rooms that need to be cleaned, homework that needs to be done, there’s endless doctors and dentist appointments, meals that need to be made. Our calendar is constantly filled up. There never seems to be enough hours in the day.

Life is simply crazy. There’s home renovations that need to be done, rooms that need to be cleaned, closets that need to be cleaned out, trash that needs to be taken out, the door handle that’s loose that needs to be fixed, faucets that are leaking, a bush that needs ripped out, a light that needs changed, yards that need mowed, gutters that need to be fixed, painting that needs to be done. A car that needs and oil change. The honey do list never seems to end.

Life is exhausting. It’s mentally and physically and financially exhausting. It’s waking up at 2 am because you forgot to pack someone’s lunch for a field trip, or getting up to go pee for the 3rd time and not being able to go back to bed, and starting a load of laundry; or staying up late to finish homework, or coming home completely worn out from work and still having work to do at home. Or going to work, then straight to practices, games, appointments, eating dinner in the car just to head to another game or school event. It’s getting one bill paid off just to have another. There seems to always be something.

My mom has always said, don’t blink, because before you know it, they will be learning to walk one minute, and the next, they will be driving. Boyyyyyy was she right. I still remember being a terrified young mother bringing Jake (my oldest) home from the hospital. And now he’s got his driving permit.

As I was driving home from the ER this week with my youngest for the oh I don’t know maybe 50th time (I’m a boy mom- don’t judge) looking at my youngest in the back seat, my mind was racing; here’s another broken bone, that means another doctor visit, another possible surgery, another doctor bill. My mind was going everywhere. As a mom you’re like ok. I got this. If they do this appointment on this day, I only need to take 4 hours off work. If they do surgery, I’ll need the full day off. And then the guilt, poor Keaton, I’m an awful mom, I made him go to school today with a broken toe. Then I was thinking about my other two boys if Keaton did in fact need surgery. How will they get to and from things if need be. Luckily, we have amazing people in our corner who I know would help. God love them, we would be lost without our circle. But still, juggling everything isn’t fun at times.

So, I’m driving home, Keaton and his broken toe in tow. And I prayed. Please don’t need surgery. And then I cried. I cried because I was having a poor me moment, I was tired from work I was already worn out just thinking about the stuff that needed to be done at home for the evening. I was already tired just thinking about going to work the next day.

And then it hit me, Shadon it’s a broken toe. Get your big girl panties on. It’s nothing terminal. We can handle a toe. I silently cried the whole way home. Taking in glances of the boy in the back that God gave to me. The one that God knew I needed. ALL of this little stuff means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. If he needs surgery it’s ok, I have great insurance who will pay for this, I have a job where I can be off work if I need to be, bosses that don’t make you feel bad for being there for your family. We have an amazing support system if we need help. Who cares if the laundry doesn’t get rotated, who cares if we are late to an appointment, who cares if the floors aren’t swept, who cares if we didn’t eat a four course meal for dinner, who cares if Nolyn eats a Swiss cake roll for breakfast, who cares if our lawn isn’t perfect like the neighbors, and etc.

My point is, there’s always going be to do list, there’s always going to be bills that need to be paid. There’s always going to be endless injuries and illnesses. I used to want the merry go round to stop, if even for a minute. And now, I feel like my time with them is running out. My older two are now both taller than me. And my youngest is quickly approaching. Where did all my time with them go? Where did my innocent little boys go?? I want those years back.

My life isn’t perfect, in fact it’s far from perfect, and that’s ok. I have to be more ok with that. I’m blessed. I have a good job who has amazing insurance, and lots of paid time off. I have a loving, hardworking, supportive husband. We have three mischievous, but very handsome, amazing boys who are quickly turning into men before my eyes. We have a house that needs fixing. We have an amazing family who loves and supports us. We have amazing friends who have become family- Where I then again, I gained 4 more boys to love. I’m one of the lucky ones! Just like my mom said, I blinked, and here I am, 15 years later realizing that the best part about my life has been the merry go round.

Yes, our life is chaotic, crazy and busy. But it’s also BEAUTIFULLY BLESSED. I need to focus more on that. To be more thankful that I have people to feed, clothe, chauffeur, take care of. One day I’ll be separated from them by death, and I know without a hesitation that I will want my crazy, busy chaotic life back. I’ll want to jump back on the spinning merry go round.

So, mommas hug your kiddos a little tighter, and breath them in a little longer. And try enjoying the merry go round! I know I’m going to. After all, you can’t enjoy the merry go round if there’s no one else on it with you. I’m so incredibly thankful for my tribe and my crazy, busy, chaotic, BEAUTIFULLY BLESSED merry go round.”

Courtesy Shadon Brown

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Shadon Brown. Submit your story here, and be sure to subscribe to our best love stories here.

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