“My eyes widened. I hid who I was and planned to never tell a soul. I quietly started my visits at a clinic in Boston, and I was prescribed testosterone during the summer. This was a huge moment for me! This led to a scary leap. I had to publicly come out as transgender to my peers.”
“My husband convinced me. The only reason I knew is because it had happened to a friend’s son 2 years ago. It isn’t something you can ‘leave’ until Monday when the doctors are back in the office.”
“Duties that were once his, were now solely mine. I struggled to keep a 6-week and 2-year old alive. All I saw was a father tagging along, bringing much less value to his family than he once did before.”
“‘I’m going to hold your legs down until you calm down because you’re hurting me when you kick.’ Our neighbors were still watching. It’s shameful, embarrassing, and humiliating. He screamed and kicked and fought. I could feel my anxiety creeping in.”
“I met someone. The wrong someone. A friend. Or so I thought. I was catapulted into a world no one should experience. It was raining. The sky was black and the storm wasn’t letting up. I felt this strong feeling of evil hanging around me that day. My ‘friend’ was with me. I looked in the mirror and at that point, I knew.”
“I snapped the traditional well-check picture of my daughter sitting on the exam table, bragging about our healthy girl. We were about to walk out with a good bill of health when the doctor asked me if I had any concerns. That’s when I remembered her large tummy. He laid her down on the exam table, and his face quickly changed to reflect my concern.”
“The panic attacks soon turned into rages. His hands turned into claws, his face changed and looked evil. He was foaming at the mouth, hitting the glass oven door over and over, and growling. I wrapped my body around his and we sat on the kitchen floor as he thrashed and growled, tears running down my face as I held him.”
“He let me sleep in. Imagine my shock waking up at 10 a.m. to not a sound in the world. Not the pitter patter of little feet, not the tugging of my sheets followed by, ‘mom, mom, mom,’ not the sounds of cartoons. I yawned, threw my hair into a messy bun and made my way downstairs thinking I would find an empty house or sleeping angel children. I didn’t find that.”
“I desperately breathe air into my child. Medics rush in. Suddenly, I hear voices, machines. I’m listening for that cry I know. Everything pauses. They wrap her in a soft white blanket, slowly walking towards me as if presenting a gift. I push back, pleading with tears. I beg the doctors to try just a little longer.”
“Now you’re left exhausted, thinking what the hell did we just do? Am I an imposter because I failed? I flipped my mindset. It felt good to dive into something again, which started with ripping up all the carpet in the upstairs of our house. There was no sense in avoiding a room meant for a nursery when I could change it into a usable space.”
