“I stood on the beach watching all 3 of my children run carelessly. I found myself grieving the loss of my mother. It was beautiful, near perfect even, and she wasn’t there to see it. I stood in the sand, praying silent prayers. And just like that, I heard an old lady’s voice. She grabbed my hand and looked at me like she’d just seen an old friend. ‘I feel called to pray for you in this moment.’ I was speechless.”
“‘How could you not know!?’ I was holding this huge secret. I had power nobody else could have. When you don’t know which child you’re about to meet, it gives you an unmatched energy and grit to get through the pains. There’s no comparison to the emotion before your baby comes out. Pushing was so much easier when I knew I was about to get the biggest surprise of my life. Waiting drives everyone else INSANE. People get so frustrated you chose to wait.”
“Some say my actions will be frighteningly regrettable. Others say I should be ashamed. Don’t get me wrong, there is a ton of shame. The shame comes when people ask how my family is and I cannot tell them my dark truths. Surely, I’m the only one. So, I keep them inside. Until now.”
“My body was a newborn again. My life turned upside down.”
“They were by no means the stereotypical grandparents. There were no homemade cookies waiting for us when we visited or secret treat drawers just for us. Their home was decorated with beautiful works of art not meant to be touched. I thought they were too critical, but now I realize they just wanted me to have the best life possible.”
“It had been days since she awoke or spoke. ‘Are you coming to the wedding? You have to come. My dress is so beautiful. I look like a princess in it,’ Michelle proclaimed. Looking at me through the tears, I knew that Arieona’s glare in my direction was a request for direction. I nodded gently as I wiped the falling tears. ‘I’m coming Michelle. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.’”
“I saw all the cop cars pull up. I ran out the door and asked them, ‘Was it her?’ ‘I’m so sorry, Carrie. She was hit and killed instantly.’ My whole world was changed by those words. ‘Nanny! Nanny! Please God no!’ The cops grabbed me because I was falling to the ground. My poor baby, to know you were hit so hard and you were all torn up, all your broken bones. Mom is so sorry. I should have protected you. That was my job.”
“‘Must be nice to have a husband who helps,’ they tell me. He will never carry the burden that I do. Dad’s babysit (so I’m told every time I leave our children with my husband), while us mothers look after their children.”
“Kyler came home from school today with a bad attitude. He was frustrated and it was reflecting in the way he was talking to me. I was livid at first. ‘Are we just going to have a negative attitude tonight?’ Tears welled up in his eyes. ‘I had to do so many things and I didn’t have enough time. And I couldn’t do everything and my head hurts, and I’m cold…’ I knew it was just one of those days.”
“The single lone hair tie. You baby it. You put it back on your arm after you get out of the shower. You make sure it’s with you when you head to yoga class. That hair tie is your entire freaking life. Then I threw my – should have washed it yesterday – hair into a quick ponytail and a light went off.”
