โI didnโt need these until I had babies.
Wellโฆ thatโs not exactly true.
I needed these a while ago.
But I wasnโt willing to accept I needed them until I had babies.
You see, motherhood was the thing that pushed me over the edge.
It was also the thing that saved me.
For most of my life Iโve struggled with a little something called anxiety. Iโve also had my fair share of depressive episodes.
And you probably wouldnโt know that by looking at me.
Iโm seemingly put together.
I have a dapper husband, darling children, and a fairly beautiful life.
But Iโve spent most of my life afraid, ashamed, emotionally insecure, and consumed by my thoughts.
At odds with reality, really.
Many times, I have sought refuge in the back of my unlit closet.
Many times, Iโve struggled to find the energy, purpose, and motivation to leave my bed.
Many times, Iโve felt lost in this life as I aimlessly navigate my place.
Iโve never felt like I fit in.
Iโve never felt beautiful.
Iโve never felt smart, or talented, or worthy of friendships.
Iโve never felt like Iโm living my true and best life.
When my marriage was blessed with my babies, I anticipated Iโd feel my life to be officially complete.
But instead, I found more reasons to feel afraid, ashamed, emotionally insecure, and consumed with my thoughts.
It seeped through me like a poison.
And I knew in my heart something wasnโt right.
In the past, I could navigate these feelings of uneasiness. Pull myself out of a funk. Push myself through each day.
But my darling babies, at no fault of their own, they made my well dry.
And I couldnโt navigate the feelings.
I couldnโt pull myself out of the funk.
I couldnโt push myself through the day.
My husband displayed love, patience, and understanding as I drifted further away from the beautiful, happy, silly girl he wed that October day.
But eventually, and after many attempts, he encouraged me to face my demons.
I will admit, I fought back. I couldnโt accept that this illness, that my demons, that theyโd eventually consume me.
But they did.
You see, motherhood did indeed push me to break.
My illness couldnโt sustain the overhaul on my mind, body, heart, and spirit.
I donโt have the tools to cope day-to-day. Especially as a mother navigating depression.
But even though post-partum depression is what broke me, it was also the thing that saved me.
Because if it wasnโt for them, Iโd still be spending those hard days in the back of my closet.
Iโd still be seeking refuge under my sheets.
If it wasnโt for them, I wouldnโt have sought help and I wouldnโt have known what Iโve been doing all these years was simply trying to survive.
Today, I need these.
Back then, there were times I probably needed these too.
Do I hope that one day I can cope and thrive without this pill? When Iโm ready, Iโll certainly try.
But today, I need these.โ

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Annie Lawton of Grown Up Glamour by Anneliese Lawton. The article originally appeared here. Submit your story here, and be sure to subscribe to our best love stories here.
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