“I found out I was pregnant on Father’s Day, 2017. My pregnancy was different then the first time around. Sickness, vomiting, I had to eat everything cold and I was extra emotional. I knew it was a girl, it had to be. At twenty weeks, we had the ultrasound, she said ‘it’s a girl.’ I teared up. Now I was going to get my girl to go with my little boy and I was going to have the best of both worlds. Pregnancy for the most part was easy. I would sing to her, read to her, had maternity pictures, made the perfect nursery, I was so ready for her, I never thought her birth would be anything but perfect.
October 8th 2015 – The day I had my first born, Dawson. The worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I waited out the pain meds until I dilated at a seven, thinking I was going to have a natural birth, once again I was wrong. I pushed until I puked and blacked out. It wore me out so much, but when I pushed him out, heard his cry, saw him as he entered the world it was immediate, I loved him, I was connected, I was a mommy!
March 4th 2018 – My water breaks as I’m lying on the couch, I decide to wait it out for a while at home. Labor pains and contractions really start in, I call Jade, my fiancé, he and I arrive at the hospital dilated and ready for an epidural. Everything is smooth sailing. I think to myself ‘This is going to be way easier then the first.’ Wrong.
March 5th 2018 – around 1:30 a.m. I get my epidural, I’m super excited this labor so far has been a breeze. The nurse checks my dilation directly after the epidural. I will never forget her eyes. She looked directly at me. Started shouting to other nurses to get the doctor. ‘What’s going on, what’s happening?’ ‘The cord is hanging out of you, prolapsed cord.’ ‘What does that mean?’ ‘It means you’re going to have an emergency c-section within the next few minutes.’ ‘Wait, what? What’s going on? Is our baby okay, am I okay?’
No one’s talking to me, they are all talking to each other. The nurse is riding down the hall, hand still up there so the baby’s head doesn’t come down and cut off the baby’s supply of oxygen. They tell Jade you can’t come back, you have to stay in the room. I’m rolling down the hall looking at lights in the ceiling as I go by, I wonder what is going to happen. There are so many doctors in this room, everyone is rushing around, instruments coming out of packages, doctors talking in lingo. ‘We don’t have time to numb your bottom half, you will be put out.’ And that’s it, that’s all I remember. I wake up and Jade’s standing there with Layla. 10 lbs. 3 ozs. of perfection. But something isn’t right.
One month later – I love baby Layla, don’t get me wrong, I would do anything for her. She is well taken care of. But why don’t I feel the same as I did with Dawson? I’m keeping a secret from everyone.
I’m depressed, I’m more depressed than I can even feel depressed. I have a baby, she’s perfect, people lose babies, or are never able to get pregnant and here I am, what is wrong with me? One day I have to let it out to Jade. I don’t feel connected to Layla, I missed the birthing experience. I missed her first cry, her first look as she entered this world. Every time I see her all I can remember is the terrifying experience of not knowing what was going to happen that day in the hospital, the panic, being scared. The what ifs? What if the nurse didn’t check me then? What if something was wrong with Layla, what if she didn’t make it?
Baby blues are in full swing. I felt beyond guilty. And on top of all of that I have a two-and-a-half-year-old who needs constant attention. I didn’t feel I got to spend time with Layla the way I did with Dawson. I have a c-section, that won’t heal and hematoma, and shots I have to give myself daily. Where is all the time with Layla to bond? My fiancé just got a new job working out of town a few days a week. I’m home alone with these babies and they are being taken care of perfectly physically, bathed, fed, read to, pictures taken, sleep schedules down. But emotionally I’m a mess, I want to bond with Layla the same way I did with Dawson.
I don’t know when it changed, I believe it was gradually, but one day I noticed I didn’t have those feelings when I looked at Layla, instead of crying because I missed her coming into this world or all the what ifs of the prolapsed cord, I smiled because I see my mini me, my smiling little girl, my little love bug.
All that time I spent worrying about connecting with her perfectly, and now we are inseparable. On top of me and Layla’s relationship changing, Dawson and Layla became inseparable, Jade and I became closer.
Our family now is in full swing and I don’t take any of that for granted.
We just celebrated Layla’s big ONE with family and friends. Her birthday theme was the Little Mermaid, same as my first birthday! I can’t imagine my life without either one of my children and even though their births were absolutely different, my connection with them is the same. Happy birthday baby girl, sorry I wasn’t the perfect mommy for a while, but I swear the rest of my life will be devoted to you and your brother.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Sierra Hunt. Submit your story here. For our best stories, subscribe to our free email newsletter.
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