“I wasn’t the girl who planned her dream wedding or spent time dreaming of the princess dress, but I did dream of being a mother.
If I’m being honest, I think I believed I would meet myself inside motherhood, like there was this other higher version of me who only existed as her.
Imagine my surprise when in reality, motherhood introduced me to kidney stones, extreme vomiting, a seizure disorder, pregnancy loss, antepartum depression, retained placentas, clogged ducts, nursing strikes, late-night feeds, brain surgery, and miscarriages.
For a decade, I’ve been making/having/nursing/raising babies. And if I’m being honest, I’ve watched my body fail at so many things I was told were natural to my biology.
I’ve listened as women explained to me how it should be while knowing it was never how it would be for me. I have had to learn to give more of myself than I even knew how to give.
And now due to health issues and nearly no other choices, a hysterectomy appears to be coming soon. I’ve kicked and screamed and felt picked on and angry and betrayed by my own body. I’ve mourned the 4th child I’d always imagined having.
But, while I didn’t meet a new version of me inside motherhood, it has revealed a piece of who I am, and who I am is strong.
So perhaps it’s time for yet another lesson on being human for me, and maybe this time the answer is just to choose myself. To take the path of least resistance and choose the option that allows me to feel good. It’s been years since I’ve felt good.
10 years is a good run. My body and I, we did that. We made 3 beautiful babies, and this uterus protected the third from countless seizures. She more than did her job.
There is no universal motherhood journey. And this is painful—and sometimes lonely.
So, today I’m holding space for being proud and trusting I’ll learn the next thing that needs to be learned to keep revealing and becoming acquainted with the woman who already exists inside me.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Amy Wright. You can follow her journey on Instagram and Facebook. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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