Rebecca Balfe is a former editor for Love What Matters. She resides in NYC, owning and rescuing adorable cats. She is an avid Lupus fighter and advocate.
‘Do you have a will?,’ my nurse asked. ‘No,’ I replied. ‘You need to get your affairs in order for your daughter, if anything should happen to you.’ What did this mean? I had failed her.’
“After writing out a will, I was wheeled off to the operating room. All I remember is waking up in a glass box with the curtains wide-opened. It was so eerie. I could hardly find my voice and was unable to move my body.”
‘It started out as ‘the talk.’ But it was hands on. I remember feeling dirty and wanting to crawl in a hole and die.’
“Life had become unbearable under the weight of my secret. He told me no man would ever want to marry me because I couldn’t keep the house clean. I knew that wasn’t true, but I did think no man would ever want me. I was tainted.”
‘If I wasn’t around, Zach could find someone he could have a family with. If I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t have to worry. These are MY problems. No one else should have to deal with them!’
“I was different. I couldn’t go to sleepover with just a change of clothes and my pillow. Other girls thought I was weird, boys didn’t think I was cute. They thought I was contagious and they would ‘catch’ it.”
‘Wrap this around your arm and place the utensil here’, they’d say. That didn’t last long! She is ‘BOUT IT!’ I couldn’t accept this disability. Where has it been? Why now?’
“There were no ‘accommodations’ growing up. I had to clean my room. I had to have my homework finished before I could play. If I got in trouble, consequences came with it. I was 12 years old and approached with a life changing choice. You’re disabled! What are you going to do?”
‘When would you like to terminate?,’ she asked. ‘NO. We are his parents.’ My husband and I had just been hit with such horrifying news.’
“I was reading the last of my family’s texts full of love and support before getting wheeled back to surgery. I thought, ‘Here goes nothing.’ I took a deep breath, and the room was suddenly very quiet.”
‘We were told, ‘Having 6 children significantly reduces chances of a birth mother selecting your family.’ The call to adopt was hard to ignore.’: Woman adopts 7th child, develops special relationship with teen birth mom
“’When he’s placed in your arms, and all he knows is you and all he has is you. The same parental instinct that cares and protects our other children, will develop.’ I held out hope my husband and God would show our family the path we were supposed to be on.”
‘It was the call! I ran into my sister’s room, swung the door open. I was joyfully yelling, ‘I got the call, I got the call!’ She thought there was a fire. ‘Whats going on?!?’
“I had no idea what day it was, or what had happened. My throat was sore and dry. I hadn’t moved at all once I woke up. Everything was dim and looked blurry. I could hear someone near approach. I managed to get out a croaky, ‘Did I get them?’”
‘Come back in a year. Go home and enjoy your life. If things haven’t worked themselves out, we can talk again.’ I walked out of that room confused, angry, mortified, and embarrassed.’
“After telling her my story and the results of the previous appointment, she was in shock. ‘This is NOT normal, there must be something wrong.’ This made Aaron and I uneasy yet comforted all at the same time.”
‘By age 9, I had thoughts about my own funeral. I wondered who would attend. Mom would find my Barbie dolls with notes like, ‘I want to die.’ Not at all normal for a child to be saying.’
“I remember telling my parents, ‘I love my life.’ That would soon change.‘ I lost the majority of my friends due to bullying. ‘I couldn’t even kill myself. I’m a failure.’”
‘We decided to fight for Oliver. His dad said, ‘If you’re in, I’m in.’ I was extremely nervous. He looked right into my eyes the moment we met.’
“What would we tell his big brother? The results came back negative, so we were left with no answers. I was then approached by a family member who informed me of a syndrome that had affected boys born into my family in the past.”