“I didn’t know there were so many excuses for avoiding a person just because their baby died. I didn’t know how hard it would be to watch them leave in a nurse’s arms, knowing they would never come back.”
‘When I say my daughter died, people will often respond: ‘I’m sorry I didn’t know.’ Their response makes me smile.’
‘Momma, your baby died?’ Cue my heart sinking into the earth. Bury me now. How do I explain this to my son? How. It was supposed to be quick, in and out in 10 minutes.’
“He grabbed me. He held me up as my body threatened to give out on me. I sobbed. Loudly. Unabashedly. In the middle of the parking lot. I climbed into the car, and after driving for a time, a little voice piped up.”
‘She turned the screen towards us. ‘Here is baby number 1, here is baby number 2…’ ‘PLEASE STOP COUNTING!,’ is all I could manage to say. The room fell quiet.’
“How could this be happening? How could we possibly be expecting TWO more babies just 4 MONTHS after the birth of our son? But it was. It was a punch in a gut. The kind of news that took your breath away.”
‘Then came the call. ‘Come to NYC and get your daughter. She’ll land in 3 days!’ We immediately jumped on the plane, but then a hiccup.’
“Just 2 days later we got a text in our agency group. ‘Who was the family that was interested in a deaf child?’ Well that was us, and now we are going to adopt 2 girls?! No, we couldn’t do that. So we had a HUGE decision to make.”
‘Fifteen days after this picture was taken, this sweet girl’s dad – her best friend, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She would only have him 18 more months.’
“What you see in this picture, and what I see in this picture, are two very different things. You might see a little girl in a hotel room, preparing for a gymnastics meet in Las Vegas, looking out on the world from her hotel room. But, I see something different.”
‘I’m impatient. And they’re insane. They’ve behaved their little hearts out for teachers and friends. They wanna cut loose, and so they do. There are tears every day.’
“In the still quiet of the night, I don’t watch Netflix or do dishes or take luxurious baths. Nah, I stare at the ceiling and replay all of my parenting mistakes, over and over again in my head. Guilt comes flooding in. Doubt.”
‘The best course of action will be to do a total hysterectomy,’ the doctor said, staring at me. ‘But I’m only 29!,’ I gasped in disbelief.’
“Well, unfortunately we have to do it now. I’d call your husband. If he starts now, he might get here just in time. Now hop in the shower and give yourself a good scrub with this soap.”
‘He’s the kid who never listens the first time. Or even the tenth. His heart breaks because he’s not always sure why what he’s doing is so wrong.’: Mom says her energetic son ‘needs you to hear him.’
“He is smart as a whip, yet school isn’t always his jam. He’d rather talk about why Sally is giving away 24 of her apples instead of solving the story problems in math. He can read your emotions on your face, and will always know who is lonely on the playground.”
‘Less than 10 seconds changed everything. I was unable to get up, despite how hard I tried. Shock settled in. I overheard the words of some hospital tech, ‘SHATTERED!’ What did that mean?’
“I am not a fan of public restrooms but knew I would be on the road. That ‘smart’ decision changed my life forever.”
‘You’re 12 weeks along, but it looks like the baby hasn’t grown since the 8-week mark.’ I blurted out, ‘Oh, well that’s a bummer.’ I felt like monster.’
“It was hard for my husband to look at me. We had to call our family and tell them the news. They took it much harder than I did. All my mom wanted to do was hug me. It was very smothering.”
