“I picked that a-hole out of a whole litter and made him a part of our family, and you can’t un-family someone just because they poot in your shoe.”
My Dog Has Been Tormenting Me For 7 Years, But I Love Him Just The Same
‘Your kids need a different outfit for every holiday. I’m not talking about a Christmas sweater. I’m talking about TurkeyTrot-PaperCutAwareness-Haunak-Mas day shirts.’: Mom’s hilarious rant on holidays will have you rolling
“Your kids will need a different coordinating outfit for each holiday, a gift for every teacher, a cookie swap, ornament-decorating party, your mother-in-law’s eggnog recipe and a tasteful dress for yourself. Not to mention the avalanche of toys that’s about to descend on your house, try and look grateful. Seriously though.”
‘Heaven forbid we decide to play hooky to visit Santa before our holiday break officially begins.’: Witty mom admits parenting isn’t at all what she imagined, ‘We haven’t breached the truancy threshold just yet’
“I imagined sipping Arnold Palmers on the deck, casually thumbed through the newspaper we would obviously be mature enough to have delivered by then. What I did NOT imagine was me at 5:14 a.m., shushing children from my bedroom, shouting, ‘IN THIS FAMILY, CHILDREN DO NOT GET UP BEFORE 6!’ and shoving a small corner of my pillowcase in my ear. I think we can all agree that raising children isn’t exactly how we pictured it.”
The Hilarious Reality Of Preparing For Children
“Smash your toe into something really hard. Pee yourself. And now you’re 10% ready.”
How My ‘Goofy Joke’ Connected Me To My Little Brother Before Going To College
One day, I decided I wanted to do something to mess with him. So, I ran to my room and threw together the most embarrassing outfit I could find. I wanted to make my little brother smile while I still can.”
I Hit The School Photo Lottery After Hilarious Green Screen Fail
“I would have never thought about what wearing a green cap and gown in front of a green screen would do, but the end result was priceless!!”
Husband Sends Risky Photo To Boss In Hilarious Birth Announcement Fail
“Hubby: ‘I sent these pictures to work to show them the baby. They’re good, right?’ Me: ‘OH MY GOD! I am NOT covered up down there!'”
Dear New Parents: Your Emotions Will Vary One Moment To The Next, And That’s OK
“Motherhood is a very strange glass cage of emotion and a complete mix of going back and forth between acting like Mary Poppins and The Hulk.”
I Gave My Son A Toy Spider, And Accidentally Induced Sheer Terror
“Maybe a little electronic spider that’s power source feeds off of screams of terror is not the best gift for your small child.”
My Hilarious Failed Attempt At Removing Body Hair Before Childbirth
“I began to burn… like FREAKIN’ BURN. It felt like someone had basted me with bleach and LAVA was erupting into my baby maker oven.”