“I didn’t feel comfortable telling my friends about the weird things I did. I was constantly thinking about how to rid my brain of this mental contamination. I can’t just turn it off like a light switch.”
‘I ran away and spent the entire day in agony, waiting to go home and shower. I became the girl known for never showing up and sleeping all the time.’
‘Oh my gosh, there’s a HEARTBEAT! A baby! I knew they were wrong! I’m a MOM! After I caught my breath, I asked the doctor, ‘Is that a heartbeat?’ He was puzzled, but didn’t look happy.’
“I couldn’t even take a breath. The embryologist said, ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I have never seen this happen!’ I still couldn’t breathe. What was he about to say? At this point I’m jumping up and down screaming. I had to ask.”
‘Behind closed doors, I was called ‘crazy’ and ‘too sensitive.’ We lived like roommates that slept together. I tried leaving. He promised to change, and he did, until I got pregnant again.’
“Into my life walks a man I knew since he got sober 4 years earlier. He and his girlfriend had recently broken up. I know my kids are watching us. Our children are always watching.”
‘Oh stop! She’s scared, leave her be.’ She knew I was not ready for this. I got in my car and had many missed calls from my dad. I called him back immediately, and heard the words that would change my life.’
“As soon as I hung up the phone, I knew. I sat in my car and cried. I cried tears I didn’t know I had. I couldn’t breathe. I had to call my husband to tell him I wasn’t sure I could drive home.”
‘Yes darling, what is it?,’ she said. ‘If I told you something, will you promise me nothing would to happen to my mom, sister or dad?’: Woman overcomes PTSD to find her ‘happy ending’
“I told my grandmother everything I could remember of that night, every detail of what he told me. My whole life changed in an instant; one day I had a family, then my family became smaller. I blamed myself for what had happened. I always thought I was dirty and an awful person because of what happened.”
‘Do you know where you are?’ I shook my head yes. ‘Do you know who I am?’ Yes, I nodded, grabbing his wedding band. Then, Jeremy left the room. I coded 3 more times.’
“‘Do you know who Lisa and Jerry are?’ Again, I nodded yes. I recognized my parents’ names. ‘Do you know who Jamee and Isabella are?’ I couldn’t recall. The names seemed foreign. My own children.”
‘I want to be a good mom. Why won’t he let me be one?’ I sat in the chair and cried. I sought a counselor’s advice on what I was doing wrong. I was so tired of fighting.’
“I’ll say, ‘don’t do that again.’ He’ll look me square in the eyes, and do it again. And again. And again. I must be royally screwing everything up.”
‘He is a good son. We love you Jeff.’ I couldn’t stop sobbing. He went on, as if they both were standing next to his bed. His eyes were closed, but he had the most peaceful smile.’
“He was sleeping, when I heard him say something. I leaned in. As clear as can be, he started having a conversation with Mom and Jeff. Jeff is his son, who died 2 years ago. They were whole, healthy, and together once again. I was overwhelmed by what had just taken place.”
‘My dad wanted to be cremated. Then he died, and I didn’t know how badly those ashes would haunt me.’: Daughter ‘appalled’ by father’s ashes, keeps them ‘hidden away’ in plastic bag
“The idea crumbled me. Knowing he was at the crematory, and knowing it’d be his turn. Was I eating lunch when they loaded his body in? Was I nursing my twins? Even talking about this is so shameful. His ashes sit in a cupboard. I know they’re there. But I don’t want to see them.”
‘I took a call of a baby not breathing. It’s the dreaded call. I heard the baby crying. It was short lived. I hung my head and tried to clear the lump from my throat.’
“What I didn’t expect was a visit from the fire crew that was on scene and who, like true heroes, tried to save that baby’s life. They came in together, stood before me and asked if we could all share a hug.”