‘It would’ve been our 16th anniversary. ‘I miss the mess,’ is something you and I both never thought I’d say.’: Widow grieves loss of husband as anniversary approaches

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This is a follow up story to Krista’s ongoing grief journey.  Read her full back story here

“It would have been our 16th anniversary.

Do you want to know what I miss the most?

Probably all the stuff annoying you right now.

I miss:

The dirty clothes.  The mud and sweat-soaked clothes showing how much you loved me.  It showed you planted yet another tree (you had asked me not to buy).  It showed you wanted to build our life with your bare hands. I miss opening up the washing machine to see grass stuck to the sides. I miss finding messy rags like a trail everywhere you went outside.  I miss the pile of clothes right by the bed that weren’t clean and weren’t dirty. I miss the mess, now that’s something you and I both never thought I would say.

The empty and stained coffee cups everywhere.  It was you gearing up for a day of taking care of us.  This was you finding your moment with God before the chaos of life happened.  I would ask why it was so hard to not put them in the sink.  Now what I wouldn’t give to see coffee cups scattering our home and car again.  The sole cup in the sink is a reminder of how badly I wish I could go back and make you every single cup.

Not having to know when garbage day is.  Two years later and I am still struggling to remember if it’s Tuesday or Wednesday…. seriously, which one is it?  You did so many things with ease.  Took so many things off my plate.  Rolling garbage cans down to the street hurts every single time. Even when I set the reminder, I am so easily sidetracked.  How did you remember so easily?

Your messy closet.  It was you everywhere.  Chaotically organized just like your beautiful soul.  I miss how you would randomly decide to clean it out and it would take days… only to get messy again and even more quickly.  It still smells like you.

How you never took anything seriously.  You would make me laugh in the middle of arguments and it was SO frustrating.  Why couldn’t you just let me rant and be mad at you for like ten minutes?  No, you could always make me laugh, especially when I didn’t want to.  Now I take everything seriously and I miss you reminding me to lighten up. (Seriously…. what day is garbage day?)

How you loved to scare me.  You would hide pillows in the bed to make it look like you were sleeping only to run up behind me.  How you would chase me up the stairs, telling me you heard a noise.  You were the biggest kid of them all and I secretly loved it, even in the whining and telling you to stop or grow up.

I miss everything about you on what would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  I couldn’t ever imagine a life without you, but here I am doing it.  Living in spite of my dreams dying.  And I miss it all.  Of course, I miss the good times, but those aren’t what shaped us.  It was the hard days, the sleepless nights, the loss of our babies, the loss of jobs, the fighting, the hardships.

This has painfully shaped me, too.  The life I am living without you.  I miss the most annoying things BUT now find so much beauty in the ordinary moments of loving someone. I am finding joy in the mundane.  Trying desperately to add sweet to the bitter.  To grab that cup the kids left out and put it in the sink (while also reminding them they better get it together for their future spouse) with a grateful heart.  To know it could all be over in a heartbeat, it changes you.  And it doesn’t have to be for the worse… just like marriage, make it for the better.”

Courtesy of Krista Berge

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Krista Berge, 34, of Fort Meyers, Florida. You can follow her journey on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more from Krista:

‘You promised you’d never leave us. We had plans THAT day. Our son, at 10 years old, had to call 911.’: Wife says although her late husband’s suffering is done, theirs has ‘only just begun’ after his suicide

‘I know you didn’t want this. You didn’t want this for us. The pain. I miss the way you loved me.’: Woman’s painful recollection of losing husband to suicide, fighting for him to stay, ‘I miss you’

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