My Firstborn Holds A Special Place In My Heart

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Firstborn

“There’s something about the first child—the one who made you a mom and forever changes your life. There will always be such a special place in our hearts for this child. Not in a sense of ‘you love them more’ or any of that nonsense. But simply a place in which they helped shape us into who we’ll be as mothers.

Yes, the ones who come along after the first child definitely also help shape you. But in the beginning, when you first become a mother, your entire world changes. No matter how much you prepare yourself for motherhood, it’s not until you are in it—until you are a mom and have the first child—you learn just how much it impacts you as a person.

black and white image of toddler girl standing in front of a wire fence looking at a crops while holding a flower on her hand
Courtesy of Ashley Cirka

First Pregnancy

From the moment you find out you’re pregnant, you learn a whole new perception of love. How strong you can feel the overwhelming dedication to make sure you protect, love, and give another person all the things in the world you can.

The first child will teach you so much more than you could even imagine. They are the ones who will teach you that you are capable of the hard things. The moments in time you feel like you can’t move forward, this child will be in your mind, your arms, or your eyesight.

They remind you that you can, and will, get through the hard times. Because once you have the first child, there is a fire that will be set inside you. A drive that will have you set to be everything and anything you can be for that child (and the ones who may come after).

closeup of bare pregnant belly with stretch marks and hand around it in black and white
Courtesy of Ashley Cirka

They say your first child is like a trail run, a learning curve. And while I’m not sure if those are the words I would use for it or the words I would use instead, I can not agree more in the sense that when you do find out you are pregnant with your first child, your mindset shifts. You start to, in a way, live for that child.

Yes, in pregnancy it may not be quite as much as once the baby is here and in your arms. But, it starts when you find out. Between doctor’s appointments, finding the right time and place to tell those in your life, adjusting everything before the baby comes, and the overall preparation that having a baby entails, it can, and probably will consume you (I am not saying this in a negative light at all).

Mom Anxiety

The first child, the one who makes you a mom, brings so much joy, love, and light into your life. However, I think we do need to talk about the sometimes overwhelmingly heavy feeling of fear, anxiety, and complete unknown that is becoming a mother for the first time.

mom holding her first born daughter and giving her a kiss on the face
Courtesy of Ashley Cirka

Having a baby is…scary. Now I don’t mean like watching-a-horror-movie-cuddled-under-the-blanket-peaking-through-the-side scary. I mean, there is SO MUCH you can learn and still feel like you know nothing about having kids. There are articles, papers, blog posts, Facebook groups, and Twitter threads that will tell you ‘everything about babies and parenting,’ and you will still feel like you do not know enough or like your child doesn’t fit into this category or that one.

The thing is, until your child is here in your arms living day-to-day life with you, you won’t know what things apply to them. What ‘master tips’ will be the ones that will or won’t work. That’s okay, because if I can tell you anything, it’s that trying to learn all there is to know about babies before they come is only going to make things seem scarier, harder, more overwhelming, and maybe even make you question what you do already know about babies, parenting, motherhood and what YOU want to try and do.

newborn baby girl sitting on a brown couch and yawning
Courtesy of Ashley Cirka

Yes, there are absolutely things you can look into. Read and even study about babies, kids, parenting, childbirth, and all of that. However, ingesting all the information you can may end up doing much less good than you had originally hoped. (I do understand there are people out there who do find comfort in reading every known material to mankind when they are going to do something they don’t know, and this a situation may not apply to them.)

The first child is a time you probably will worry, and you can’t help it. I’m not going to sit here and say, ‘You are never going to be worried if you choose not to.’ I mean, I am a mother of four. There are times and situations I worry about, there are things I worry about maybe too much. It happens, especially with your first.

Motherhood Journey

The whole situation of it being your first, everything is new and unknown, and there are many things you are going to worry about because, well, it’s your first baby and you are now in charge of a whole human by loving them, taking care of them, keeping them alive, and helping them grow into their own person. I mean, one could argue it would be concerning if we just never worried at all.

Toddler girl wearing a pink princess costume with a pink tiara playing with dolls in the Livingroom
Courtesy of Ashley Cirka

all in all, the one who makes you a mother, the first sweet baby, or maybe even your only, they will always hold a place in your heart with everything that helped shaped you into the mom you are, and the mom you are ever-evolving into. They hold the first memories of being momma, mommy, and mom.

They are the first, and they are an amazingly wonderful and perfect little gift from life that you get to help grow into their own person. Of course, this also stands for all the others as well. But like I said, the first is the first. It doesn’t mean you love them any more, but all of them hold a special place that’s just theirs.”

mom and toddler daughter laying on the grass with their head together and smiling
Courtesy of Ashley Cirka

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Ashley Cirka of Canada and originally appeared here. You can follow her journey on InstagramFacebook, her blogTwitter, and PinterestDo you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more from Ashley here:

‘When I became a mother, it enveloped my entire being. 4 1/2 years ago, I began rediscovering myself.’: Mom of 4 reflects on self-growth in motherhood

10 Things I Wish I Knew During My First Pregnancy

‘My kids are annoying. I love them, but oh man do they get on my nerves.’: Stay-at-home mom hilariously shares parenting confessions

‘You see it all over social media: ‘HOW TO LOSE YOUR BABY WEIGHT IN TWO WEEKS.’ I’m so tired of it.’: Woman says ‘wear your mom pouch as a label of honor’

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