“I kept crying and saying, ‘I quit. I can’t do this!’
My son was a breath holder starting from the young age of 3 days, which means whenever he cried, he stopped breathing.
Being a new mom, I didn’t know what to do. But I slowly learned to deal with it. The doctor said, ‘Just make sure he is safe and let him just go through the breath-holding spell.’ So I just stood there helplessly looking at this little baby holding his breath with his lips turning blue until his body forced him to breathe again, and then I hugged him while he regained his strength to cry again.
We never had any family nearby, and my husband always traveled for work, so I went through this ordeal and mental torture many times in a day without any breaks. On one of those days, when our son was 18 months old, my husband left for a work conference which was a 4-hour drive away.
And that evening, due to teething or whatever reason, the kiddo was just not in a good mood. He held his breath 6 times in one hour during bedtime. I wanted to run away or just plug my ears and sit in a closet. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to put him in the crib and call my husband. I was sobbing and repeating, ‘I quit…I can’t do this!’
My husband could hear our son screaming crying on the baby monitor and me sobbing on the phone. We were both crying in different rooms. After talking to him, I felt better and went back into the room, picked up my son, hugged him, and cried with him. We both exhausted ourselves to sleep.
At midnight, my husband showed up. When I asked him why he was back, he replied, ‘Did you hear yourself on the phone?’ I was totally fine by then and got mad at him for coming back. In hindsight, I am so glad he came back. Even though it was four hours after the breakdown, at least he was there. The next day, he booked me a massage and even organized a date with my girlfriends while he took care of the kiddo.
So when @__simikaur mentioned on a recent podcast that motherhood is the hardest thing she ever did, I know exactly what she means. I was never diagnosed with PPD or even was in that place where I had to seek professional help, but I needed a whole village to raise my child, which I didn’t have.
So for the moms who are feeling lonely, depressed, anxious, unworthy, incapable, sad, or helpless, I see you.
I see your struggle every day, and I want you to know that there is help. Just reach out to another mom or a friend or a professional.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is ask for help, and the journey after that is much much easier.
If you’re a mom and want to just talk to someone, I am here to listen. I’ll cry with you so you don’t have to cry alone with your child.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Sunny Lamba of Toronto, Canada. You can follow her journey on Instagram and podcast. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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