‘A vault of my secrets left when she did. Part of my history, too. I was as changed by her departure as I was bonded to her arrival.’: Woman shares grief journey after losing best friend

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Disclaimer: This story contains details of loss and grief which may be triggering to some. 

“She was my first friend. My best friend. The one I had for over half my life. When we were growing up, I never imagined a lifetime where I didn’t have her. 

And then, one day just like that, out of the blue, this lifetime would never have her in it again.

Some people say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but what I do know is I am still just as destroyed as I was the night I realized life would go on without her.

best friends stand back to back and look towards the camera

The constant want to tell her something or share a memory with her didn’t just go away. It comes as frequently as it always has, but now instead of turning to my friend to share it, I just try not to cry.

The tendency to include her never stopped, and talking about her in past tense has not gotten easier. 

I still talk to her most days. But she doesn’t talk back to me. I miss the way she knew me and the way only she knew to love me. I miss the belly laughs.

best friends pose in matching black dresses with wide smiles on their face
Courtesy of Wallflower Writing

A vault of my secrets left when she did. And a part of my history too. I was as changed by her departure as I was bonded to her arrival. We were one.

I still feel called to love her even when I can’t always feel her calling back.

Constant reminders of her bring joy and subsequential pain. Every reminder meets me hastily at the threshold of loving her and losing her, over and over again.

best friends show off their matching tattoos they have on their sides
Courtesy of Wallflower Writing

We used to say so proudly that we knew each other for over half of our lives. But as mine continues to go on, I live with pervasive thoughts of knowing it was only ever half for her.

I will spend the rest of mine wondering who she would have been if she at least had another half.


P.S. Hold your friends a little tighter.”

best friends stand together, one stands behind the other with her arms around her friend's waist
Courtesy of Wallflower Writing

This story was submitted to Love What Matters  by Wallflower Writing at Detroit Moms. You can follow her journey on Instagram and her websiteSubmit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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