Disclaimer: This story contains details of loss and grief which may be upsetting to some.
“She was my first friend. My best friend. The one I had for over half my life. When we were growing up, I never imagined a lifetime where I didn’t have her.
And then, one day just like that, out of the blue, this lifetime would never have her in it again.
Some people say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but what I do know is I am still just as destroyed as I was the night I realized life would go on without her.
The constant want to tell her something or share a memory with her didn’t just go away. It comes as frequently as it always has, but now instead of turning to my friend to share it, I just try not to cry.
The tendency to include her never stopped, and talking about her in past tense has not gotten easier.
I still talk to her most days. But she doesn’t talk back to me. I miss the way she knew me and the way only she knew to love me. I miss the belly laughs.
A vault of my secrets left when she did. And a part of my history too. I was as changed by her departure as I was bonded to her arrival. We were one.
I still feel called to love her even when I can’t always feel her calling back.
Constant reminders of her bring joy and subsequential pain. Every reminder meets me hastily at the threshold of loving her and losing her, over and over again.
We used to say so proudly that we knew each other for over half of our lives. But as mine continues to go on, I live with pervasive thoughts of knowing it was only ever half for her.
I will spend the rest of mine wondering who she would have been if she at least had another half.
3/5/17
P.S. Hold your friends a little tighter.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Wallflower Writing at Detroit Moms. You can follow her journey on Instagram and her website. Submit your own story here.
Read more from Wallflower Writing here:
The Void Of Grief Remains, No Matter How Much Time Passes
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