Rebecca Balfe is a former editor for Love What Matters. She resides in NYC, owning and rescuing adorable cats. She is an avid Lupus fighter and advocate.
‘You’re so lucky, you won’t have to get fat.’ She walked away laughing. Anger ran through my body.’: Woman’s harrowing journey with infertility, 3 failed adoptions
“She had recently given birth and stood there holding her adorable, tiny, perfect baby as the words came out of her mouth. I remember the pain and shock as she said those words to me. I cried into my pillow, ‘I’m not lucky, I am cursed.‘ But it wasn’t the end of our story.”
‘When we were just about done with the foster process, I GOT PREGNANT. I peed on 14 sticks because I couldn’t believe it. We thought we were ready. I didn’t realize the roller coaster it’d be.’
“We had a 6-month-old baby and added an emotional 5-year-old to the mix. There were days where I felt like I was babysitting someone else’s kids. People told me I wouldn’t be able to love these children as my own. You come in expecting everything to fall into place. It doesn’t work like that. I had no idea what I was doing.”
‘I was sent home alone in an Uber in the middle of the night. ‘Just tell me your name!’ I couldn’t remember for the life of me what it was. All I could do was cry. That’s the only thing I remembered how to do.’
“I’ll never forget how I felt. I seemed hungover, except that wasn’t the case. My doctor told me, ‘Have you ever thought that it might be all in your head?’ Everything began to take a turn. I was once the quick-witted friend who always had a joke. Now I was the girl in the back of the classroom, crying because I didn’t know how to be a person anymore.”
‘In 2 weeks, you will meet the love of your life. And when you do, you will know it.’ But then came a warning. ‘You must do the right thing, or you will be cursed.’ He winked, and walked away.’
“That’s when our eyes met. It was like time stopped. It was like the music on the dance floor silenced, and all I could hear was my own heartbeat. I still remember what the room smelled like. I couldn’t look away. I was frozen. This was him. I knew it, and felt it, from my head to my feet.”
‘WHAT!? Going from no kids to 2 under 2 in 1 day?! What on earth were we getting ourselves into?! My husband and I looked at each other. ‘WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?’
“The docs were certain I had mono. I kept thinking to myself, ‘There’s no way this is happening again’. The next day I get an urgent call. The clinic frantically demanded for me to be at the hospital ASAP for an ultrasound. I literally laughed. ‘I’m not pregnant, you must have called the wrong patient.’”
‘I asked, ‘Are you okay?’ We were greeted with one line. ‘Twins. Congrats.’ We immediately hopped on a plane. We were told to spike their bottles with caffeine. There were roadblocks.’
“We found a surrogate. The doctor started to gush about how lovely she was! ‘You have to woo her and make sure she picks you guys!’ Communication was sparse. We were constantly checking emails. I’ll never forget my husband kneeling as he opened one eagerly awaited message. He stared at the computer screen, speechless.”
‘My miscarriage crushed me. I screamed and cried in the nursery closet, clenching my son’s wubby so hard my palms bled. I was inconsolable.’
“Now you’re left exhausted, thinking what the hell did we just do? Am I an imposter because I failed? I flipped my mindset. It felt good to dive into something again, which started with ripping up all the carpet in the upstairs of our house. There was no sense in avoiding a room meant for a nursery when I could change it into a usable space.”
‘I love when you are healthy, and can play with me,’ my son said. That CRUSHED me. I was forced to observe my son from a distance, watching his life from afar. I couldn’t join in.’
“When my husband and I decided to have a second child, crap hit the fan. I felt like a failure, yet nothing was ‘officially’ wrong with me. I would overdo it just to show him I was a good mom. I would regret it later.”
‘I don’t have a mother.’ ‘Baby, everyone has a mother.’ ‘When you were born, your birth mother asked if WE could be your daddy and papa!’ She searched for people to love you with all their heart.’
“A few more days went by and we figured we had finished that conversation until she asked the heaviest question of all, ‘Who is my birth mother?’ We looked at each other and quickly changed the subject.”
‘The pain radiated from my stomach to my legs. I threw up. Finally, the fetus came out. I caught a glance of the baby in the toilet before flushing it down.’: Woman details pregnancy loss, grief advice, ‘We need to talk about hard things’
“I laid in the doctor’s office. Brandon stood there recording the whole thing, expecting to document the most exciting moment of our lives. She started asking me strange questions that seemed crazy at the time. It wasn’t until days later it hit me.”