Suffocated By Pregnancy
“For someone who had a lot of major life-changing moments as a child/teenager, I never thought I would have found my person.
It was one of those whirlwind stories. Everything happened too fast and we both took steps that neither of us had with anyone else.
My mom always told me that I’ll just know, and I did. With him.
I got pregnant and learned the news about a month after we moved in together. Despite how quickly it happened, we were so excited!
Until a crazy pregnancy monster entered my body and took over my brain.
I felt suffocated. I didn’t like the changes that come with having a significant other around all the time. I missed my peace and quiet. I didn’t like my routine changing and I certainly didn’t like all the new ‘friends’ I was supposed to now have, in and out of my home all the time.
I had been living by myself for two years before my now fiancé moved in. I loved him but I wasn’t prepared for all of this. I felt like I needed to prove my independence to everyone. Including myself. I didn’t want to rely on anyone else because it made me feel like I was weak. A childhood trauma result that wouldn’t go away.
It also didn’t help that I was in my last year of achieving my bachelor’s degree and he wanted to enjoy life when I needed the time to study.
By the time I was three months pregnant, I had enough, and he moved out.
I still remember that day and it breaks my heart. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. Saying that I didn’t love him, and I couldn’t do this anymore. The words came out of my mouth, but they weren’t felt in my heart. I cried as I was doing it. I knew it was wrong, but it happened anyways.
We spent the next 4 days tiptoeing around each other. I’d retreat to the bedroom to cry while he was in the spare room.
He broke the news to me that he was moving out and I was so mad at him. Which didn’t make any sense to either of us because I was the one who initiated it all.
The pregnancy monster is real though! She gets into your head and makes you forget who you are. I regretted it the moment all of his stuff was gone.
So we spent the next four months apart. We argued for a little while about the baby. Eventually we got to a point where we were going to be civil for the sake of the baby. We were going to co-parent to the best of our abilities. It wasn’t what I wanted, and he made it very clear that he didn’t either.
That monster wasn’t ready to give up her fight though. So, she kept clinging and saying words I didn’t really mean.
And then my hot water tank went out. Almost 7 months pregnant and in a dilemma, I swallowed my pride and reached out to my baby’s father. Let me tell you, that was a huge pill to swallow but he owns his own construction company and I knew he could help me with his connections.
He did help me find a new hot water tank. What I didn’t expect was for him and his father to install it for me. That was the day my heart melted just a little bit.
He came back a week later and helped me put together the baby’s furniture. We were talking again. He was touching my belly and feeling the movement. He even hugged me before he would leave, and I cried for hours afterwards. My heart warmed more and more every time we were together.
The trend continued until my baby shower. He came towards the end to help open gifts and numerous family members made comments about how we acted like we were still together. It was effortless for us, like it always had been. I realized then that I didn’t need to prove my independence anymore. I really didn’t know why I was still clinging to that idea.
It was time to put my big girl pants on again and admit to my wrongdoings.
We agreed to start dating again. Trying to start over as much as we could before our baby entered this world.
He moved back in a couple weeks before my due date and everything was different. I enjoyed coming home to him and then he became my rock through my already tough pregnancy.
I had terrible morning sickness for the first five months of my pregnancy and then had many food aversions the final four months. I lost a good 25lbs and never reached my prior weight, even at 9 months along (the baby was always healthy, and I made sure to do the best I could with food). I also had a painful infection on my tailbone that kept coming back. I had it drained twice and sometimes feel like I’d rather go through birth again before having to deal with that pesky infection.
Because of the infection, I was not able to have an epidural. There was too high of a risk of it spreading to my spine and then my brain. We decided to cancel being induced and went home for the third time. I was absolutely terrified and did everything I could to slow down the progression of my contractions.
I made it one more week before my water broke and I was already 5cm dilated.
The risk was still too high for an epidural, so I had no other option than to go natural.
For the next 11 hours, my man became my rock ten times over. I never realized how much I wanted him in my life, until that day. We were both running off of very little sleep and he was with me every step of the way.
I watched him cry as our daughter was born.
I’ve witnessed him smile brighter than ever before because of our daughter’s gummy smile.
And I’ve fallen in love with him more every day.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Breanne DeRemer, 29, of Ravenna, Ohio. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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