‘I feel like I’m pissing off a lot of people. I break my back, good mood, and spirit in pursuit of the best me. Don’t mock.’: Mom struggling with best decisions asks for understanding, ‘You have no idea’

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“Sometimes you’ve got to call yourself out, and sometimes you’ve got to call other people out, and I’m fixing to do both right now.

Truth?

Lately, I feel like I’m pissing off a lot of people.

I’m not, I don’t think, but there’s no denying that within me there’s this ever-present worry that I am.

For an anxiety-prone woman who portrays as an extrovert when she is actually a perfection-seeking, guilt-wielding introvert, I regularly convince myself that someone in the world must be mad at me for something at any given time.

More than likely, I’m too much or too little of something, or I’m doing too much or too little of something I should or shouldn’t be doing.

I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m being my ‘best me,’ and I break my back, good mood, and spirit in pursuit of her.

Add in an uber-scary health pandemic bound to be around for a long time, and I’m just confused as hell as to what decisions I should be making when it comes to myself and my family.

We’ve all been pretty much locked up and house-bound since mid-March, and now that the world is reopening some (despite cases in my state on the rise), I can’t help but torment myself by agonizing over our every move.

I swear, besides having to make meal decisions, I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I’ve never felt SO confused about the choices I’m making, and I’ve never, not to this degree, over-freakin’ scrutinized every step outside of my home I take, primarily when my kids are in tow.

Is it okay to go to an uncrowded beach?

Is it okay to eat at an outdoor restaurant?

This mullet Mary needs a haircut — can I get one?

I’ve had my groceries delivered now for months. Can I finally go to the store?

Should I take my daughter to the doctor’s office for her well-check or avoid, at least for now, the germs such places are crawling with?

A vacation. Can I take one? I really need one.

Friends. Can I see them? I miss mine.

What is school going to look like in August? Will my kids be safe?

If I don’t get out of this house soon and resume some of our regular activities, I just might lose my *&$%.

Sometimes you’ve got to call yourself out, and this is me calling myself a basketcase of disjointed emotions right now and allowing you to hear it.

But sometimes you’ve got to call other people out, and now it’s time for that, so here’s what I’ve got say —

You have no idea what another person is struggling with. You can never be sure of the mental and emotional weight they are carrying when you see them at the beach, the hair salon, Home Depot, Publix, the doctor’s office, or even Starbucks.

Don’t judge. Don’t mock. Please, don’t believe that you know what’s best for them when you are not them and don’t live life in their shoes.

None of us have had experience with this before. None of us had an emergency plan that included info on how to live month to month through a lingering pandemic. None of us believe we are doing everything right, but most of us sure as heck are trying.

I’m calling myself out on trying my best, and I’m calling you out on the same.

Keep it up. I will, too. And, hopefully, God-willing, this soon will pass.”

Courtesy of Nicole Merritt

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Nicole Merritt of Jthreenme, where the post originally appeared. You can follow her on Facebook, her website or podcastDo you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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