“Postpartum anxiety was something I never expected to hit me as hard as it did.
I’ve heard about postpartum depression, but postpartum anxiety? Rage? Anger?
It was all new to me and to be honest, most days battling each of these emotions makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve suffered from anxiety and OCD tendencies. I even went to therapy when I was younger for my need to have everything clean.
I hit my breaking point when I found myself on the floor hyperventilating and crying because I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I missed the ease of our old routine.
I was so tired and burnt out.
I had no idea what to do with a newborn anymore, even though I’d done it before.
I missed my oldest.
I felt like I was failing my clients, my family, my friends, and myself.
I told my husband I couldn’t do it anymore. And the fear in his voice when he told me to give Raelynn to him scared me even more.
I knew then I needed to let go. So I did.
I opened up to my husband and my close friends.
I expressed what I needed.
I started taking time for myself and working on who I am inside and out.
I let go of the pressures and the control.
I threw up my hands and I surrendered.
And He put me back together piece by piece and day by day.
This song, ‘Graves Into Gardens’ by Elevation Worship, has been on repeat for months, and it’s my constant reminder He came along and put me back together.
Every day isn’t easy, and I still feel the rush of anxiety.
In those moments when I feel it start to take over, I say to myself, ‘I am the best mom for my kids. I give up control, thrive with time to myself, and know my worth.’ Sometimes in my head or sometimes out loud.
It seems cheesy, but in those moments when I feel like breaking, those words are what ground me and remind me God is in control. And through Him, I am reminded of who I am, what I truly bring to this world, and His strength in me through it all.
If you are struggling, know you’re not alone. And while I can’t provide medical help, I am always happy to be a listening ear.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Kelsey Willey from St. Louis, MO. You can follow her journey on Instagram and her website. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
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