‘I was already a month along. My boyfriend had passed away a week before. I was completely in shock.’: Mom grieves during pregnancy with late boyfriend’s daughter, ‘He is still around in spirit’

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“Abraham and I had been friends for years before we ended up together. Once we started dating, we both knew we would be with each other forever. We talked about our future plans which included our careers, marriage, and kids. I was so excited to bring all of our dreams to life. We were two young college kids from Maui, Hawaii who had moved to St. George, Utah for a fresh start and to obtain better opportunities outside of Hawaii.

Courtesy of Kailana C.

We were both full-time students at Dixie State University. Abe had a scholarship to play football, and I was working at the hospital nearby. We were so happy together and eager for what God had in store for us. With all of our family and friends back in Hawaii, all we had was each other to lean on. We were okay with that because all we really needed was each other anyway. I truly felt like everything was falling into place. I was with the man of my dreams, going to a school I loved, and working a job that actually made me happy every day. Could it get any better than this? Well, little did I know, soon the new life I grew to love would all be taken away from me.

Courtesy of Kailana C.
Courtesy of Kailana C.

On March 22, 2019, Abe unexpectedly passed away due to Hyponatremia, or low sodium levels in the blood. I was completely devastated and felt like my whole world was ending. Losing the love of my life was a pain I had never felt before. I felt numb and broken. The person I spent every moment with was no longer physically a part of this world. I felt alone, and all I wanted was to be with him. I had to accept the fact the future we had planned together was no longer possible. I knew I would never be the same after this, and my life would be changed forever.

I couldn’t stay in St. George any longer. All I wanted was to get out of there as soon as possible and head back home to be with my family. Every little thing reminded me of him. The hospital he passed in was the hospital I worked at. A place that had once made me so happy, quickly turned into a place that would bring emotions of sadness, pain, and anger. The school we went to, the apartment we lived in, the places we went on dates… all just a painful reminder he was no longer here.

A week later, I was back home in Hawaii. I wasn’t myself and felt like life was just passing by me. I had taken a pregnancy test, which came back positive, and found out I was already a month along. My boyfriend had passed away a week before, and I just found out I was pregnant with our baby. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was completely in a state of shock. I had been deeply grieving his loss for the past week, and I now felt the first ounce of happiness since losing him.

I questioned if this was really Heavenly Father’s plan for me. Why would he take Abe so soon? Why would I be pregnant with our child without him being here for any of it? How would I be a single, first-time mom? How could I grieve the loss of Abe while carrying our baby? The next nine months were challenging mentally, physically, and emotionally. Everything I imagined my first pregnancy to be was the complete opposite. I always imagined Abe being there for every doctor’s appointment, picking out baby names together, and just being able to do the whole journey with him by my side.

Courtesy of Kailana C.

My pregnancy was emotionally difficult. I had days when I didn’t know how to deal with everything handed to me. I didn’t know how to grieve while pregnant. I felt so alone, even with family and friends around me for support. I only wanted Abe. Those nine months felt like the longest, but I was able to grow through the adversity and gain strength through the trials I was faced with. It made me a stronger woman and prepared me to be an even stronger mother.

It’s been almost a year since he’s been gone, and I am still learning and adapting to this new life… life without Abe. It breaks my heart to even say those words. It’s definitely not easy, especially being a single mother. I still think about the ‘what ifs’ from time to time. What would we be doing if he were still here? How would life be with us as a family? What would I be like as a person without pain and grief?

I carry this grief with me as I move forward. I don’t let it control me or the way I live. I am stronger, wiser, and I now have a bigger outlook and understanding on life. My faith in knowing we will be together again, and knowing Heavenly Father’s plan is true, is what keeps me going on my hardest days. I know he is still around in spirit, guiding me through parenthood and watching our baby girl as she grows. I am thankful I have my daughter with me here today. She is a true, living example of our everlasting love. I miss Abe everyday. I’ll always miss him, and I’ll always love him with all of me. I’ll continue to live this life to the fullest for him, until we meet again. ”

Courtesy of Kailana C.

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Kailana C. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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