โI went to my wellness baby checkup today alone.
I recorded the heartbeat for Ben to hear as this was the first appointment heโs had to miss due to the circumstances.
My doctor and I elbow bumped.
Followed by a little half chuckle through totally uncertain, weary smiles.
He asked how I was holding up, I asked him how he was holding up.
There was a heavy energy in the room, yet we tried to keep things light.
But there was nothing light about making sure not to share pens, having him sign my accommodation paperwork to try to protect me at work, hand sanitizing every 2 minutes and placing the Doppler on my stomach from a distance.
It was all so heavy. And completely unnatural.
As soon as I got into my car, tears just started rolling down my face.
Iโm sad for the pregnant women being triaged alone.
Iโm sad for the grandma who doesnโt get to watch her first grandchild be born.
Iโm sad for the mom who doesnโt get to hold her daughterโs hand when sheโs scared.
Iโm sad for the dads who have to miss out on the well baby check-ups and listening to the heart beat.
Iโm sad for the sisters who are going to be aunts, yet canโt be there for their best friend throughout this all.
Iโm sad for the best friends who canโt visit, bring flowers, and shower the baby theyโve patiently waited 9 months to meet.
Iโm sad for the first time mom being sent home so soon, so unsure, wondering if sheโll have the support sheโll need.
Iโm sad for the NICU parents who are only allowed one parent at the bedside for the day.
Iโm sad there are no guarantees of spouses attending c-sections due to lack of protective gear.
Iโm sad for the doulas, photographers, and birth centered small businesses
So much is rapidly changing.
Understandable precautions and standards, but equally devastating for what many consider the most joyous time in their life.
Today Iโll sit or lay or even nap with my feelings, and let them be.
Iโm not going to wrestle with them, avoid them, or numb myself to this reality of expecting mommas.
I will let them be. And I will be.
And I will trust that none of us know what the future holds, but stand firm in knowing the one who holds the future will carry us through.โ

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Devan Lapresi. You can follow her journey on Facebook and Instagram. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
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