Disclaimer: This story contains details of postpartum depression which may be upsetting to some.
“I remember a time when loving my firstborn didn’t come naturally.
I remember uttering the words ‘I don’t want him’ while sobbing uncontrollably on the edge of my bed, begging someone to take him.
I remember a high of happiness at the hospital, but a severely low mood during the first few months when sleep was intangible.
I remember hiding my feelings and letting them out on my own in the shower, under the hot water, so they wouldn’t be seen or heard.
I remember feeling broken, wondering why they sold me motherhood in such a beautiful and shiny package, only to discover later that it was a mirage.
I remember the pain every time I see a new mother, eyes swollen and heartbroken, wondering what is wrong with her.
I wish they would have told me that love doesn’t always come instantly. That I wasn’t broken, but my hormones got the best of me.
I wish they would have warned me that these feelings are welcome to share and address and that getting help was normal.
I wish they would have told me I’m not a bad mom when I didn’t know how to love my baby.
I wish they would have told me the truth, that motherhood in all its beauty, is fragile, testing, and doesn’t always come as naturally as they say.
Don’t be afraid to speak about your pain, as there is always someone willing to listen and help.
I was once ashamed of my pain and went out of my way to hide it, but it only made me hurt more.
I’ll assure you, that no matter how heavy your feelings become, even when you can no longer recognize yourself, you are never alone in your darkest thoughts.
From one seasoned mother, to a new delicate mother.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Suka Nasrallah. You can follow her journey on Facebook. You can purchase her book, Unfiltered Truths of Motherhood: Captive & Captivated, here. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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