Having children isn’t always a linear process. Sometimes, pregnancy ends in heartbreak or confusion when a miscarriage happens. Miscarriage can often feel like an isolating event. Many women choose to keep the intimate details of infertility and pregnancy loss quiet, as there’s still a lot of shame put on the woman. However, pregnancy loss occurs in up to 1 in 4 pregnancies, making it extremely common. Though you may feel like you’re all alone in your miscarriage, the opposite is true. There is an entire community willing to share and open up about the hard details of their miscarriages, and every experience is different.
I had the opportunity to speak to 24 other women about their miscarriages. They opened their hearts and shared their stories and experiences with me, so that we can bring awareness to normalizing miscarriage. It doesn’t have to be an isolating, lonely experience. Though it may not be a community you ever want to be a part of, we’re here to show you that you are not alone. Whether you personally experienced a miscarriage, know someone close to you that did, or just want to know how it affects other women, keep reading. The stories are heartfelt, raw, and honest.
My Miscarriage Was Gut-Wrenching
“My miscarriage was gut-wrenching. It felt polarizing and robbed me of hope. It wasn’t until I started to talk openly about it that I realized I was far from alone. Nobody truly understands the mental and physical toll of a miscarriage unless they’ve endured it. And when I connected with others, that empathy literally fed my soul. It’s been a few years and I’ve had a healthy rainbow baby since then, but I still think about that pregnancy and that baby every single day.” – Rachel Sobel
I Don’t Get To Cherish Memories With Babies
“I often hear women tell me I don’t understand what it is like to be pregnant or to be a mother. What they don’t realize is that as a woman who has experienced recurrent/multiple pregnancy losses, I have more in common with them than they realize — I have been pregnant three times, experienced the joys of seeing my babies in ultrasound images, endured common pregnancy symptoms, tracked my pregnancy using popular pregnancy apps, taken bump photos, envisioned and planned out the babies’ nurseries, and I also endured the pains of labor three times. I remember the unique details of each pregnancy, but unlike other mothers, I do not get to enjoy and cherish beautiful memories with my babies after carrying them. And for my second and third pregnancies, I was also unable to enjoy being pregnant because I was terrified of losing the babies that I was carrying.” – Tiffie
It Doesn’t Seem Fair
“I had my miscarriage on Christmas Day, so while the Christian world was celebrating the birth of a child, I was mourning the loss of one. I don’t speak much about God, but this made me so mad at him – how dare he take a child away from me on the very day he expects me to celebrate his son? It didn’t seem fair then, and even though it’s been several years since my miscarriage, it doesn’t seem fair now. Yes, I am blessed beyond measure to have three healthy, rambunctious kids, but I still feel the loss all the time. Every day I play the ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’ game with myself, wondering what my life would look like if there were four kids instead of three.” – Preston
This Will Break Me
“When I lost my baby boy, Bee, at 14 weeks, I remember thinking, ‘This will break me.’ Soul-crushing crying fits found me in the silent moments: sitting at stoplights, moments before getting into the shower, putting on lipstick. I thought the pain would never end. Yet, I sit here unbroken because of the friends and strangers who loved and love me in the deep, deep darkness. Bee continues to show me love and light in the surprising moments of life, and reminding me of the truth that I am not broken.” – Nastacia
I’ve Envied Women Who Haven’t Had Miscarriages
“There have been so many times I have envied women who haven’t gone through a miscarriage. I wonder how different their pregnancy experiences must be from mine. The excitement and joy they feel, thinking of names and nursery themes, and browsing the baby section at Target. If only I could walk in their shoes for a day; if only I didn’t know what I know. But that isn’t my story.” – Megan
You Never Get Used To The Pain
“I had three miscarriages before the births of my two healthy sons. The first one was the most devastating in a way because it took me the most by surprise. It didn’t even occur to me that it could happen. I was 11 weeks along, and had heard and seen the heartbeat a few times already. The dilation and curettage and subsequent genetic testing indicated the baby had a severe chromosomal abnormality that would’ve led to a very difficult life if she survived. The second and third miscarriages were less far along, and unfortunately less unexpected even though unrelated. You never grow accustomed to the disappointment and pain. But with each pregnancy, I somehow managed to wipe the slate clean and bring a new fresh batch of hope and optimism. These served me well as I gratefully and lovingly welcomed the arrivals of my healthy sons, now ages 5 and 7.” – Mandy
My Longing For A Baby Is Stronger Than Ever
“It’s impossible to really understand the pain of miscarriage until you’ve experienced it. While I never even got to feel my baby move inside of me, the disappointment and heartache of never being able to meet that baby is real and I continue to feel it every day. I am dealing with the insecurities that there is something wrong with me as a woman and my ability to give life, for now having had my second miscarriage. I am nervous and anxious about trying again, for fear of going through this heartbreak yet another time, even though my longing for a baby is stronger than ever.” – Stacey
For Me, Time Made It Easier
“My first pregnancy wasn’t planned, but my husband and I were really excited. We waited a week before testing, then another before telling the family. We discussed the names, chose what we would name the baby if it were a boy or a girl (names that we stuck by and chose for our other two!), and two days later, I miscarried. I was seven weeks along, and it was devastating. I was a full-time grad student, and I also worked full-time. But, it still wasn’t enough distraction. We took a long road trip and vacation, and I really just wanted to run from the pain of it all. Thankfully, I had a great friend who had also had a miscarriage, and speaking to her helped me a lot. Over time, the pain has lessened for me, and now I talk about it openly to try and bring more awareness.” – Jess
Grief Comes When You Don’t Expect It
“There are times when I fully feel that I’ve moved on. That is not how grief seems to work though. It comes when I don’t expect it, in quiet moments. Reminding me of what could have been had I never had miscarriages. I don’t know if those moments ever go away or if maybe they will just sting less as life goes on.” – Rachel
You Feel Every Bit Of That Loss
“People will tell you that, at seven weeks pregnant, a real baby doesn’t exist yet. They’d say this is just my body’s way of ridding itself of an embryo that most likely has severe chromosomal abnormalities. But even with the evidence that the baby is just a few cells (barely the size of a blueberry), when your body is losing its ability to keep that blueberry safe, you feel every bit of that loss. The only way I can describe it is that when it’s over, there’s an emptiness that feels like something that should be there is now missing.
It feels like I’m losing a part of my soul. And that’s probably because there was another soul sharing my body with me for a short while.” – Alyssa
I Didn’t Let Myself Grieve
“My miscarriage happened two years ago. On 9/11 — one week after I saw the two lines in the pregnancy test. That same morning, my sister had told my mother and I that she too was expecting (her first). I took a test later in the day, and when it came out positive, I excitedly told my mom and decided to not tell my sister till she got checked out at the doctor’s etc. I miscarried a week later, and she went on to have her beautiful baby. In the beginning, it was gut wrenching — I didn’t let myself grieve. My sister didn’t know about the miscarriage so she would tell me about her pregnancy and I would always think I would’ve been in the same place… I got pregnant with my now second, born 6 months later, and people have a way of saying, ‘Well you’re lucky you have two beautiful babies.’ Yes, I am. But I am also allowed to grieve the baby I didn’t get to hold. I wish more people understood that. I also wish I had given myself the time to recover and grieve rather than just dive in and try to move on. I lost a child. It doesn’t matter if it was 6 weeks or 16. It hurts. Physically. Emotionally and mentally. I wish more people understood that.” – Zehra
Nothing Prepares You For That Feeling
“Nothing prepares you for that feeling of loss. You worry about how you will tell your close friends and family and whether you’ll be able to have another. I was able to conceive a few weeks later but fear and doubt clouded the entire first half of that pregnancy. Thankfully, my story has a happy ending. Here’s my rainbow baby.” – Sarah
Miscarriage Changes You
“Miscarriage changes you. You start wondering if something is wrong with you and why you can’t stay pregnant. It can take away the excitement of future pregnancies as you are filled with fear of losing one again. And losing a pregnancy early on does not make it easier. No matter where along the journey it happened, it took away that dream. Early or not. A loss is a loss.” – Melissa
A Part Of You Dies
“When you have a miscarriage, you experience death inside of you. Along with your baby, a part of you dies as well. You have to find out who you are again, and you have to do it in the right environment. Surround yourself with people who will support you and help you heal. You went through something hard, and you should heal around people who will show you grace.” – Elaine
Torture, Heart Breaking, Terrifying
“Words can’t mesh together to accurately describe what it’s like to see your baby grow… and to watch their heart beat faintly disappear in front of your eyes. The words I’ll give you are: torture, heart breaking, terrifying, unreal, gut wrenching. I rather give my own heart, than watch another one of my babies faint away through a screen.” – Ashley
I Lost Children And Dreams
“Isolating, traumatizing, laboring, are just a few words that I use to describe my experience with miscarriage. The first thing that people ask me when I say ‘I had a miscarriage’ is, ‘How far along were you?’ like that matters. Both of my miscarriages were during the first trimester and even now, giving birth full-term, it was the most painful experience of my entire life. No one prepares you for the physical aspect of miscarriage and it’s not talked about openly.
It’s been two years since my first miscarriage and I went on to have a second loss before giving birth to my rainbow baby. Even though my life looks different and I now have a baby in my arms — my grief still exists, and at times, it’s overwhelming. I lost children and dreams, the hard part is never knowing who they would have been.” – Arden
I’ve Suppressed Most Of It
“Early 20s, just achieving real momentum within my career, moving out on my own and establishing myself as an ‘adult’ and also evidently pregnant. My pregnancy was the result of unprotected sex with a boyfriend who hit me with the trifecta: ‘condoms make it less pleasurable,’ ‘I can’t have kids anyway,’ and ‘I’ll pull out, don’t worry!’ I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was admitted to the hospital thinking I was dying due to the pain, unsure as to why this was happening and what was going on. To be honest, I’ve suppressed most of the ordeal, but I know seconds after I was informed I was pregnant I was told I was miscarrying and that I required a D&C. That coupled with feelings of embarrassment as family members trickled in, and searching for that wonderful man of mine who was nowhere to be found led me to expedite repressing it all. I never allowed myself the chance to grieve the loss of a child. Still haven’t.” – Deena
It’s Not Something Spoken Of Frequently
“Experiencing secondary infertility and miscarriage in my early 30s wasn’t something I was prepared for. I think because it’s not something that is spoken of frequently, even today. After a miscarriage on my wedding day, and a demoralizing experience at the hospital with an undertrained ER physician, I used my voice to speak to medical students via an essay while I was in nursing school.” – Liz
“I could barely get out of bed after my miscarriage. It was traumatizing. I wanted a child for so long, and it never happened for me. I’ve made peace with the situation now. I still get sad sometimes, but I know everything happens for a reason.” – Alana
Sad, But Relieving
“My experience was different from others I’ve connected with. I wasn’t in the best place in life, and nowhere near ready to have a baby. When the miscarriage happened, I was upset. It was painful, and I had wanted the baby. Looking back now, it was also a bit of a relief. I didn’t stay with the guy I became pregnant with, and it allowed me to move on in a way I wouldn’t have with a child.” – Tracie
“For me, it was a totally isolating experience, and it was surreal to have to carry on with business as usual while physically experiencing a loss. I knew that first pregnancies often ended in early miscarriage, but that knowledge didn’t allay any fears for what it might mean for the future. That said, I’m glad it’s a topic that’s coming to the light — it helps to talk about it.” – Priscilla
I Felt Confused And Hurt
“It’s hard to accurately describe how I felt. I will say that no matter what someone says, it doesn’t help. I felt confused and hurt throughout the whole process. I still think about it, and the pain I felt while miscarrying can only be described as heart wrenching.” – Emily
You Don’t Expect To Lose Your Child
“The sheer shock of my miscarriage is what affected me. You don’t get pregnant and expect to lose the child you’re carrying. I woke up one day, saw the blood on the bed, and knew something was wrong. The emergency room felt sterile, the doctors seemed insincere, and I felt alone in my problem, even though I had my partner by my side. I’ll forever remember the pain, and I still think of the child that I lost.” – Porscia
My Heart Feels Calloused
“Yesterday we took our baby girl to pick out a few pumpkins. What seems like the simplest thing to many, was a monumental moment for me.
I have a daughter. I’m a mama. I know this is an incredible gift because it didn’t come easily.
Normally just the fact that it’s fall and Thanksgiving is around the corner is enough for me, but my heart feels calloused from the years of hardship, trauma, and heartbreak.
I’ve spent so much time and energy building walls, picking up pieces, and just surviving that it feels foreign to lean into the good things that are right in front of me. I almost feel undeserving of good things, so I make light of them, just in case they’re ripped away from me too soon. It’s a gift. Our health, our family, our miracle rainbow girl — they’re all gifts. It’s time to enjoy the life that’s right in front of us.” – Danya
It’s Okay To Not Be Okay
“I’m not okay right now. But someday, I hope to be okay. It’s okay to mourn, mamas. It’s okay to be sad. I know I’ve had my fair share of tears. My miscarriage was painful, heartbreaking, and traumatic. So, no, I’m not okay just yet. But I think that’s okay. We don’t have to put on a smiling face when we’re hurting.” – Malicka
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jess Carpenter. You can follow her journey on Instagram, TikTok, and on her website. You can visit Jess’ author page here and buy her new book here. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more from Jess here:
‘I was heartbroken. I’d cry in my sleep only to be shaken awake. It was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through.’: Mom shares what she wishes she knew before pregnancy with rainbow baby
‘You don’t have to look at your life through someone else’s hardship-lens. Your feelings are valid.’: Mom shares importance of accepting emotions, ‘It’s OK to be sad’
‘Your kids want to see how amazing you are. They need to see you reach your goals.’: Mom shares important reminder not to put off your dreams
‘Your kids don’t need perfection. They just need you.’: Mom urges others to ditch mom guilt, accept ‘imperfection is truly perfection’
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