Rebecca Balfe is a former editor for Love What Matters. She resides in NYC, owning and rescuing adorable cats. She is an avid Lupus fighter and advocate.
‘I vividly remember. My right arm held the new baby I birthed less than 24-hours ago. My left held my foster son, patting his new sister on the foot. I felt so much joy and so much pain.’
“We sat in the courtroom and listened to the story of lives that had been destroyed. We watched as the judge decided our son could no longer live with his biological parents. I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t relieved. I struggled with feeling I wasn’t enough for these two babies 15 months apart. I believed the lie.”
‘He was married. My fiancé was not who I thought he was. He was leading a double life ’: Woman discovers fiancé deception
“He had extra wives, extra children, a different name. A formally dead girlfriend and now alive wife. My body froze. It hadn’t needed to be this way.”
‘You are a 13-year-old girl with a sick dad, you must just want attention.’ I was heartbroken, betrayed by my best friends. There were YEARS of doctors saying, ‘We don’t have an answer why she’s in pain.’
“Can you imagine being 15 with a cane in high school? I was called ‘the blue cripple’ because my cane was aqua blue. My Spanish teacher saw my cane for the first time and yelled, ‘YOU HAVE A WALKING STICK? OH MY GOD!’”
‘When I was 19 I woke up screaming in pain, as if I was in labor. A million knives were stabbing my stomach. I tried to get to the bathroom, but I couldn’t stand. It became a regular occurrence.’
“I was told it was ‘just the pill’ or ‘just a bad period’ and it was ‘nothing to worry about.’ One doctor told me it was ‘just arthritis’ in my back from being a dancer. I’d never have another boyfriend because one guy had already gotten angry at me for bleeding on his bed sheets.”
‘I blurt out, ‘I want the surgery.’ I’ll never forget the look on his face. What kind of patient asks for a major life changing surgery? I kept replaying the conversation my mother and I had.’
“My mother was my best friend and I couldn’t accept she would be gone soon. I refused to discuss it with her until one day she said to me ‘You can ask me anything you want.’ That was all it took.”
‘There was always the nagging in the back of my head telling me I was gay. About four years into our marriage my thoughts crept back up. I illogically came up with a solution. Have a kid.’
“Finally a few weeks later I told my wife we needed to talk. After putting my daughter to bed I sat down with her and told her I had something to confess.”
‘I was pregnant with a little boy and a little girl after a decade of trauma. I limped out of his house and drove home over 100 miles away with $20 in my pocket.’
“A handsome former-classmate wrote me on Facebook: ‘I had a dream about you.’ I was thirty four weeks pregnant when my water spontaneously broke and suddenly the pain and trauma resurfaced. Were my babies okay?”
‘The doctor called…the blood screen came back, it’s not good.’ My heavy 22-week pregnant body fell to the floor. It’s normally at this point people want to talk about their options.’
“At worst he’ll never be able to feed himself and at best he’ll mop the floors of a fast-food restaurant one day,’ he said with a wave of his hand, dismissing any room for hope. Option 1 is you terminate the pregnancy. We don’t do that here, but we have a clinic we can send you to.”
‘My sister arrived to find me trying to clean up another bladder accident. She pulled out a pack of Depends. ‘Well I guess you WILL be needing these!’ I reluctantly took the pack from her, and put on the adult diaper.’
“I’m scared of finding out what’s really wrong with me; I’m scared of how fast my health is declining; I’m scared I won’t be able to be the super mom and wife I have been; I’m scared because I’m not able to work; I’m just scared!”
‘It feels like a violation of your body. The doctor or assistant may remind you, ‘It’s nothing different than sex, have you never had sex before?’
“With the huge population of our country these doctors take innocent people for a ride, sometimes even during the pregnancy or childbirth.”