‘I know you beg him to stop. I know you think you can love him hard enough he won’t hurt you anymore. One day, sweet girl, there won’t be a next time.’: Domestic abuse survivor shares powerful testimony for fellow victims, ‘Run and don’t look back’

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Disclaimer: This story includes details of domestic abuse and may be triggering to some.

Please know this is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever shared. It’s not attention-seeking, I assure you. I am over a thousand miles from him and I’m safe. I’m alive. I don’t know why I had to endure any of this, but I do know I have to speak to it because my survival guide could save someone else. We, as women, we must help everyone around us we can. Please know, if you’re in this type of situation, it’s not your fault, it’s NOT okay, people will love you unconditionally, help you get out, and offer no judgment. You’re not alone.

My dear sweet baby girl, I know.

I know why you stay.  I know you think he’s going to stop.  I know you think you can love him hard enough he won’t want to hurt you anymore.  I know you believe every ‘I’m sorry’ and every ‘I love you.’ I know you believe things will go back to how they were in the beginning.  I know you beg him to just not be so angry. I know every time you hope it won’t happen again because I know you don’t want to believe it happened at all.  I know you wish with all of your heart things were different.

I know.

But I also know it won’t be different. I know it doesn’t stop. I know it doesn’t get better. It doesn’t go back to normal and you can’t make him love you enough to not want to hurt you anymore. Because this IS his normal.

He’s laughingly told you about the intense relationships he’s been in. He’s jokingly told you, ‘You should fight back harder and stand your ground,’ but all that does is fuel his anger and feed his fire. He’ll point out each and every single thing you’ve done to defend yourself and then manipulate your mind to believe it was your fault.

The arguments are always going to be your fault. His anger, his rage, and his hands being laid on you. He’ll twist your mind to somehow believe you made it happen, you deserved it, so you try to do better next time. I know he showers you with gifts and kind words because he’s a good man, and I know you believe in your heart he loves you and it won’t be this bad next time.

Courtesy of Kristilin A.
Courtesy of Kristilin A.
Courtesy of Kristilin A.

One day, sweet girl, there won’t be a next time and absolutely NOTHING you’ve done justifies being physically hurt by a man who is supposed to love and care for you. One day he’ll kick you so hard it will crush your chest, physically and emotionally. One day he’ll pin you in the shower, he’ll rip the curtain rod down and smash it across the wall, screaming at you while you cower in the corner begging him not to hit you. One day he’ll push you down on the floor with all his weight, smashing your face into the carpet, and you’ll realize you can’t defend yourself because he really is just so much stronger than you, and fighting back just makes it worse. One day, it will be absolutely too late.

Courtesy of Kristilin A.
Courtesy of Kristilin A.
Courtesy of Kristilin A.

I know you know you must get out. I know you have isolated yourself from your friends and family because they won’t understand why you keep staying. I know you’ve begun to believe all the poison he’s put in your mind. I know you feel worthless and I know you wish with all your heart things would just be normal. Oh, my sweet love, I know.

But I also know you can do it. I know you can hear the voice in your head telling you this just isn’t right. I know YOU know in your heart this isn’t love, and I know you can get out. Stop trying to figure it out, stop trying to plan, and just run. Take whatever you can, throw in your truck, and get the hell out. Run and don’t look back. Because I know nothing, absolutely NOTHING, you’ve done warrants the abuse you are choking down. Nothing justifies the bruises. Nothing justifies the fights.

I know it’s hard, I know it’s scary, but I know you are a warrior and I know you can do it. I know you can save yourself and I know the pieces of your life can be put back together to build a future more incredible than you’ve ever imagined. I know you can survive this, and I know you can make it end. I know there are people begging you to come home. I know there are so many people who love you and would kill to protect you. Run to them. Run to them with your broken nothingness and let them fill you up. You can do it love; I know you can.

I know you can, my precious girl, l because I am you too.”

Courtesy of Kristilin A.

[If you need help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org to live chat with someone 24/7. Help is out there and you are not alone.]

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Kristilin A. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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