“A lady answered and said she was barricaded in her room and police were everywhere. I grabbed my children and drove where I met a cop blocking off the roads. She couldn’t tell me anything. I drove to the nearest hospital. He wasn’t there.”
‘I love you, I’ve been shot at work.’ It took several times reading it for it to hit me it was real. I called his phone, texted, nothing. My heart dropped.’
‘I wore my wedding dress to make dinner. ‘Honey, this mac and cheese is amazing.’ He’s lying because it came out of a box and is made from orange powder. ‘Thanks babe. It must be the dress.’
“Oh, are you wearing a dress? I didn’t even notice.”
‘My town spent years trying to figure out this man’s secret. One rumor was Dave was a secret millionaire. Others speculated he was mentally ill and homeless.’
“Dave always dressed in a sailor uniform. One rumor was he was a certified genius, who found the most happiness dancing on the side of the street. Whenever somebody honked or waved, Dave would dance a little dance, then smile and tip his hat. I can close my eyes and recall that happy little shuffle. He was captivating.”
‘I hit bottom. Knees to the ground, ugly tears in the shower. My friends stepped in. They didn’t ask what I needed because honestly, I’m in so deep I have no idea what I need.’
“We have three new foster children and the trenches of trauma and grief are deep. My village stepped into the trenches and sat with me. They didn’t ask me what I needed, they just started providing.”
‘I pick up a pink sock from under the couch. Suddenly I sink to my knees. I try to smell her on the sock, hold it to my heart and scream, ‘COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE!’
“I find myself softly chanting ‘daughter, daughter, daughter.’ I lose count as I hold that sock and rock it. Minutes pass, I don’t know how many. I finally pick myself up off the floor and I put her sock in her bedroom. I shut the door, stand there for a moment, my hand still clutching the doorknob as tears stream down my face.”
‘Ewww put that away. I’ll never get stretchmarks like that when I’m pregnant.’ It was such a personal attack – feelings of shame and disgust had me cringing at my husband’s touch.’
“I was left curled up on the couch in the fetal position. I remember grabbing my thighs and crying to my husband, ‘How am I so big already? How could I possibly get any bigger?’ My 3-year-old son asked, ‘Mama, what’s wrong with your belly?’”
‘She came running into the house screaming. ‘What? What is it?’ ‘Outside.’ She pointed to the open front door. ‘Daddy. The bird.’ I picked her up, and she buried her head into me sobbing.’
“‘Okay, let’s go look.’ She was hesitant, but tiptoed out to the porch. ‘What’s going on out here?,’ I asked, still confused. ‘There are babies! He killed the babies!’ The look on my face turned from confusion to horror. ‘What?’ I snapped my head towards my husband.”
‘Don’t tell nobody. I’ll give you some money when I get paid,’ he said as he was getting off me. I was scared out of my mind. My uncle, my favorite uncle, had hurt me.’
“I can remember looking over at my brother who was still asleep. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I was too scared so I laid there, not speaking, thinking about the innocence I would never get back. He hurt me in the worst way that night.”
‘I was called into the office. My mom was there, waiting to pick me up. ‘We are leaving your dad,’ she said as we walked to the car. I loved him so much, and I was heartbroken.’
“When I got the autopsy report, it read: no evidence she had a child. That was hard. When people tell me she loved me, she just didn’t know how to show it, I think back. ’There was no evidence at the scene that suggested she had children.’”
‘I hid my habits. On the way to visit my boyfriend, I’d down a burger in my car, hide the evidence, then go to dinner a few hours later like a proper lady. Salad only, please.’
“When I moved, all the women looked like movie stars. Blonde with bountiful boobs, thin waists, and faces full of makeup. I went for a haircut and told the stylist I felt so out of place; I’d never be able to compete with these women. He stopped his snipping just long enough to say, ‘Sure you will. If you’re willing to pay enough.’”
