“It was 3 days after my 18th birthday, I stood in my bathroom screaming in horror. I was pregnant. Of all the stunts I’d pulled in my teenage years, this was by far the worst. What was even worse… I didn’t know if the baby was my boyfriend’s, or if I’d gotten pregnant by a guy I had a fling with in school. I hadn’t told my boyfriend there was a chance the baby wasn’t his. I was so ashamed I could hardly look him in the eyes.”
”A feeling came over me that my dad would not pass away if I was there. I was his little girl and he was my hero. 15 minutes later, he was gone. The first Christmas without my dad, I remember thinking, ‘Just smile.’ I also carried a water bottle with me everywhere, because my dad had once told me as a child, ‘if you drink water, you will calm down and not cry.”
“I instantly felt guilt seep in as I recalled telling my husband he had ‘nothing to worry about.’ After all, I was the one with the fertility issues. Others put their foot in our mouths with unwanted advice: ‘Just relax.’ ‘There’s no rush.’ I sat on the toilet lid, uncovered my test. I felt a flood of confusion wash over me. ‘Call the clinic!’ I broke down to my husband. I was at my wits end.”
“Teachers would say, ‘Lauren is very polite, gifted, such a cute little girl.’ My peers started to reject me. My school life was marred by rumors and taunts. I began to tell myself, ‘There is something wrong with you.’ I could never remember to bathe. I once went half a year without washing my hair. At age 23, I finally learned the truth. I am autistic. I am not broken.”
“A friend posted that they didn’t use diapers – they simply held their baby over the toilet or ground, from birth, and avoided poopy diapers. I thought, ‘I’m in! Where do I sign up?’ When I discovered I was pregnant, I bought a book that explained this phenomenon that could save me from All. The. Mess. It just felt right. On the day of his birth, my son started wriggling and bearing down. I was handed a small potty and held him over it. He did that first nasty poop in the potty, and I can assure you I never looked back.”
“‘I need you to go take this test to make sure. If you are pregnant, we can’t do the x-rays.’ I thought this was crazy, went into the bathroom, and pee’d on the stick. She grabbed it, looked at me, and called for another lady to come look. The other lady looked at me. ‘Yeah, we aren’t doing the appointment.’ I walked out, called my boyfriend and told him they wouldn’t finish my appointment. He was confused.”
“I want to raise good people, not perfect ones. I’m certainly not perfect so why should I expect my children to be? I use my own mistakes as an example for them. I apologize when I speak harshly and tell them even moms mess up. I want them to know if you are working on yourself and always trying to learn from the mistakes you make, that’s all that truly matters.”
“What if I don’t want to be a mom? What happens next? Is it time to let my husband go? My entire adult life I’ve gone back and forth about whether I want children.”
“At 24, I’d been married to Peter less than a year. ‘Are you alright?’ I must’ve looked flush. My knees gave out. As I stepped toward the waiting room, time slowed to a crawl. Heaving sobs came next. ‘Oh honey,’ she whispered. ‘I am so sorry.’”
“I see you making sacrifices for me and for our future family. I see you being so open to ‘alternative methods’ so we can get our happily ever after. I see you being open to anything and letting me decide what we should do with my body. I see you willing to make changes to our path in life. I see you.”
