“My husband got a new job so we could see each other more. Things were going well until one day I randomly got extremely depressed. My husband left for work and I started thinking, ‘You’re fat. You’re ugly. No one loves you, and you aren’t going anywhere in life.’ I grabbed my keys, hugged my cat, got in my car, and started driving down the highway. This was it. This was the day I was going to commit suicide.”
“The day she died was the day we got the email that we had won the tickets. I asked if we could still use it for my girls, even though one was now my angel baby. It felt like the perfect thing to honor and remember her. A simple no would have been okay with me, but their words felt like a stab to the heart. The bear lost its meaning to me.”
“I loved my son, but I would have harmful thoughts. ‘He is so small, what if I just suffocated him?’ I heard stories on the news of women killing their children and I would think, ‘Oh my gosh, is that going to be me?’”
“I always worried about her. I had to be a ‘big brother.’ I protected her. We planned an outdoor wedding. This barn had a lovely garden, and a beautiful path to a place I imagine heaven looks like. It was there, we saw my sister again.”
“I was taught that men do not cry, so all of my emotions were kept inside. When the day came, I was extremely nervous. I changed my mind over 15 times. I was sweating and told myself I couldn’t do it. But I knew I had to.”
“Little Fitz, oh how I wish we could bring you home. It pains me knowing we won’t be able to see you take your first steps or spit out mushed-up peas. I won’t be able to see a brace-faced boy awkwardly place a corsage on a girl’s wrist before a high school dance, freak out in a parking lot when teaching you to drive, or help you move into your college dorm. I wonder what you would’ve been like, what you would’ve done, and how you’d change the world.”
“She appeared sleepy, so I laid her down in her crib. I figured since she was sleeping, I could wash my hair, but something told me to check on her again. ‘Momma someone tried to kill my baby, momma my baby, who hurt my baby?!’ I fell to the floor in tears, but her father appeared calm.”
“Momma didn’t share very many details with me, and I didn’t ask her how she’s survived, or is surviving. But I witnessed it instead. I felt a frog in my throat as I looked at the resemblance of him and his Daddy.”
“The look on my parents’ faces when I asked them what had happened and why I was there, broke my heart. I never thought I’d be one of those anorexics or bulimics who ‘took it too far.’ I started seeing glimpses of what it was like to feel happy without feeling hollow.”
“He got this weird look about him. I didn’t think too much of it. Pretty normal for Mark. Later, he told me that after our time together, he had made a noose, and driven out of town with the intention of hanging himself. He said he wanted to make sure it was perfect before he died.”
