‘I wanted to escape my body, run away. I wanted to not be here…on earth.’: Abuse survivor bravely shares abortion story

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Disclaimer: This story contains details of abuse and suicidal ideation that may be upsetting to some.

“I could barely see straight as I stumbled into my work bathroom, heavy breathing, chest tightness. My world was closing in with each second that passed.

‘Ping, Ping, Ping’

Texts flooded my phone of utter verbal abuse, and verbal assault.

‘Sl*t!’

‘Baby killer!’

‘You are going to hell for this!’

‘You will be sorry for this decision!’

He didn’t stop… no end in sight to belittling me, breaking me down, his intent to make me feel useless at that moment. Like it wasn’t my body. Like he didn’t intentionally ejaculate in me with the intention of trying to get me pregnant. Like it wasn’t my choice to choose what was best for ME.

Curling into a ball in the corner of the stall felt like my safest space, a heaven… for the time being until reality was forced to set in.

‘How can I escape from here?’

‘How can I leave this place with my emotions not all over my face?’

‘How can I be strong?’

Scenarios in my head are being created by my imagination to keep me from entering a full-blown panic attack, passing out even, anything to keep me in survival mode.

‘Yes, I will do this, I can do this… I can survive this,’ I whispered over and over until I somewhat convinced myself that all is well… for the time being.

My phone began to ring as I picked myself up off the bathroom floor. It was my mother and, at that moment, I knew that she knew. I was pregnant and going to get an abortion.

He called her. He called my parents to tell them. For them to try and stop me from making a decision I knew was for my highest good.

My beautiful parents tried their hardest to convince me that all would be well if I were to become a mother. They begged and pleaded with me to change my decision, yet, they courageously stood by me. They lifted me up. They supported me and loved me unconditionally through this entire situation, never wavering in their morals and values. Or their love and concern for me, their daughter.

My goal was to never tell a single word to anyone. When I decided that an abortion was what I was going to do, I promised this secret was going to be safe with me. But when I tell you all works out for the better, the good, my life changed drastically that day my parents found out about my pregnancy.

It trickled down into finding the strength to tell my sisters and brother. It opened up another avenue to be supported for who I was, even though some did not quite agree. Our relationship was molded for the better for it and I thank God he called my house that day.

siblings taking a picture
Courtesy of Rachael Hiller

Days prior to this, I took a pregnancy test after receiving an angry text message from my ex-boyfriend who was distraught over the fact that we hadn’t spoken in some days after our hangout on Valentine’s Day.

He said, ‘You better take a pregnancy test, b**ch…because I came in you.’ Those words played like a record on repeat, like a stamp to an envelope, engraved in my memory.

From the second I took the test and was indeed confirmed that I was pregnant, I went into a complete tunnel vision. How can I escape this at all costs? What can I do to erase this from even occurring or ultimately save myself from embarrassment?

Then came the shame.

The guilt.

Pregnant out of wedlock?

Sex before marriage?

What would my friends think?

What would my family think?

Am I  actually sl*t?

Am I actually going to hell if I do get an abortion?

Am I worthy of love?

Will God love me?

Will I ever be accepted?

This was the reality for me, a woman raised in a Catholic household.

I wanted to escape my body, I wanted to disappear, I wanted to run away, I wanted to not… be here…on earth.

The circumstance of this traumatic event, the entire encounter was the most beautiful chaotic event in my life to date. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see it in my plan… but it was in God’s plan. It was in my soul’s plan.

My soul’s plan.

To grow.

To blossom.

To understand self-love.

To understand love.

To know that everyone’s journey is different.

To know that only real judgment comes from judging yourself and others.

To know that there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel, always.

To be here for other women, others in general to hold space for them to speak their truths in the safest of places.

To be a lighthouse, a way-shower, a woman who teaches others that God, Creator, Source, Spirit, Universe (doesn’t matter who or what you call it) continues to love you unconditionally through every decision that you’ve made or do make in your life.

That judgment, shame, guilt, conviction is a frequency you CHOOSE to hold yourself hostage in by your MINDSET, and that higher power doesn’t and will never operate in that frequency for your soul choose to come here to learn.

Everything that unfolds in YOUR journey is truly for your highest good, and things don’t happen to YOU they happen for YOU.

woman taking a selfie looking upset
Courtesy of Rachael Hiller

When the news of Roe vs Wade came out, I began to weep uncontrollably. My heart went to that 19-year-old girl out there right now in the same situation I once was in, feeling hopeless, not worthy of love. The shame and guilt spiral, suicidal, wanting to run away and on top of that being forced to do something against her will, not having an option, a choice over her BODY which her soul chose specifically for her journey. Feeling there is no way out, because all of a sudden, she CAN’T choose what SHE wants because her right to do so is gone.

Spiritual standpoint speaking, we choose our bodies for us to expand our own perception of our souls’ eyes. This includes control over our own bodies and decision-making.

No one should ever feel or be forced against their own will to do something because someone else said so. We are here to learn sovereignty in our vessel and not be controlled.

This is an action of control, greed, anger, and more control over women’s rights.

If you are a woman who had an abortion, is thinking about getting one at this moment, or if this does come up for you later in life, I strongly encourage you to be brave and bold in speaking to someone you trust.

Speaking about this decision. Having support around me quite literally saved my life.

I am here for you, always.

It’s hard to see the miracles in your own decision-making when you’re in a mode of treading water with the ocean waves continuously crashing upon you, but your decision-making molds you into the human being you are today. Every high and every low.

You will be okay, all is well.

The reality is that every human being makes decisions that maybe we don’t align with, or what we wouldn’t choose for ourselves, or agree with for that matter due to our own beliefs, morals, or values. But it is our DUTY as souls living a human experience to make the world a better place by meeting each person where they are at on their journey and loving them unconditionally.

We need to be brave, we need to be courageous, and we need each other and our neighbors now more than ever on this journey, because love truly is the highest frequency and love will always win.

Be love!

Be kind!

Be you!

Share your truth, because your story can impact/save a life when you are brave! Be brave!”

woman taking a selfie on the beach
Courtesy of Rachael Hiller

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Rachael Hiller of New Jersey. You can follow her journey on Facebook, Instagram, and websiteSubmit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

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‘This already broken system will collapse in on itself.’: CPS worker explains importance of upholding Roe v. Wade

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‘It’s okay, baby, you can go.’ With tear-filled eyes, we held our little boy’s body as his soul went peacefully to Heaven to join his big brother.’: Parents lose newborn to Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia

‘Put yourselves in our shoes before you say, ‘Thank God it’s overturned.’: Woman shares abortion story after severe pregnancy complications

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